Cyberwomen
by blackromanceangel274
Summary: Season 1 Episode 4, written from Jacks point of view. Spoliers for Cyberwomen... Will be updated every Thrusday afternoon
1. Chapter 1

**Cyberwomen:**

Chapter one -

It started like every other day started. That's the worst part, there were no signs at all that suggested this might happen. Everything seemed to be perfectly fine. Ianto came in at the same time he did everyday, just after 6 o'clock. Came up to my office asked if I wanted some coffee, looking as sharp and stunning as ever. He always wore a suit to work, it wasn't like he was going anywhere or like we'd complain if he was in jeans and t-shirt. I can't help but to wonder he wears a suit because I told him how much I liked the suit when I gave him the job.  
>"Coffee, sir?" he says poking his head around the door, not quite entering the room but not quite outside the room either.<br>"Do you come with the coffee?" I asked, winking at him mischievously.  
>"I'll take that as a yes"<br>And then he disappeared. His footsteps fading as he got further and further from the office and closer and closer to the kitchen. I smile after him. You wouldn't think that just a day ago I had him bent over my desk moaning and groaning in pleasure. I was looking forward to having a good day. I looked back at the papers in my hands, they were about the repairs needed at Flat Holm. Apparently there was a crack in the ceiling of one of the patients rooms that needed fixing, a broken tap in the staff bathroom and they were running out of toilet paper.

When Ianto came back, he had two mugs of coffee and he sat it down on my desk. We usually had chats over coffee in the morning and he always seemed keen to start them. They weren't about anything interesting, usually just what had happened in the week so far and whether it would my place or his place. Usually mine, then he'd go home, catch what few hours of sleep he had left, if any and then came back several hours later, looking as fresh and ready to go as ever. Ianto Jones, he seemed so simple and shy maybe a little mysterious but the secrets he was hiding, no one could have guessed. He didn't seem like he wanted to have a morning chat over coffee that day. Almost as if he had other things to do. Now I know what he was keen to get down too. His half converted cyber-girlfriend who he was hiding in my store room on the bottom floor. Despite his obvious wanting to get away, he came in and sat down. Sipping his coffee and humming at his perfection of the brew. How did this man make such perfect coffee? In all my years I'd never had coffee like it and I'm sure in many years to come, Ianto coffee, will still be my favorite coffee. I looked across at him, my feet now on the desk as I lean back in my chair, taking in the blissfulness around me, savoring it because I knew it wouldn't last long.  
>"Ianto" I said, he was staring off into space. But I got his attention by saying his name. "You look distant, got any plans for tonight?"<br>"I don't know yet sir, we'll just have to wait and see" there was that smirk. The smirk that I thought I knew. I thought it meant, 'Only plans with you, Jack' but now, I look back and I think maybe it meant 'I might be getting my girlfriend back'.

If everything had of gone according to his plan, would he have quit Torchwood? Gone back to London and forgotten all about me? Started a new life with Lisa, get a normal job, have kids. I don't want to think about that, I don't want to think about him leaving. Although I wouldn't blame him if he did.  
>"Anything I should be concerned about?" I took my feet off the desk and lent forward, my face towards him, my elbows on the table. It was quick, very quick but there was panic in his eyes for a second. A very quick second. As if he thought I was on to him, then he relaxed, his smirk returning. He knew his preparation was too well thought out, to well organized, too well planned. He thought he'd was ready for everything.<br>"Have I ever given you a reason to worry before, sir?"  
>Yes. Even before that day I had worried about him. He always seemed so young, like he had so much life left in him and here he was, working for Torchwood, his life automatically limited. He was going to be lucky to pass 40. 40 might be pushing it, 30 sounds more fitting. He still is young, he still has so much life left in him. He had a chance to be normal and he still does and I'm keeping him here because I can't seem to let him go.<p>

Selfish, maybe, but if he asked to go, I'd let him. I wouldn't say no. If it was what he really wanted, I'd hold my hands up in defeat and watch him leave. Hell, I'd drive him home and watch him take the retcon myself.  
>"Sir, I have some work to be getting on with, do you mind if I..." he didn't finish, although he didn't need to. I nodded at him presently.<br>"Sure. Thanks for the coffee, Ianto."  
>"No problem sir, let me know if you need anything."<br>"Will do"  
>Sir. I'd told him many times he could call me Jack, I guess he knows I secretly like it when he uses Sir. He only calls me Jack when we're having sex... Which, I realized at this point, we weren't doing often enough. I took it slow with Ianto because he'd never been with a guy before and I didn't want to suddenly bombard him by inviting him to have sex every night. The first time it happened it was unexpected and perfect. I wanted it to be up to him when we did it and where. This time round, I was going to do it right. He deserved that much and he still deserves it. I presumed he went to the archives. Maybe he went down to Lisa, telling her about his plans. I wonder if she knew about what we did. Whether he told her, whether she guessed. If she was convinced it was the only way, if she was as angry as I was when I found out about her. Now, I'll never know. He emerged 55 minutes later, making more coffee, making some for Gwen, Tosh and Owen as well, they were meant to be arriving soon.<p>

It was a fairly quiet day. Two weevil attacks, easily taken care of. Then in the late afternoon there was even worse rift activity. We sat out to go and see what it was, I won't go into to much detail about it because it's not the issue I want to talk about. We ended up driving back to the Hub with blood all over the inside of the SUV. I tapped my comm, getting in contact with Ianto who sounded startled when he answered but relaxed a few seconds into the conversation. I told him we were on our way back and made a mess in the SUV.  
>"Don't worry about it sir, I can clean it up, good as new" He replied, his welsh accent thick.<br>"Will you have a cup of your amazing coffee ready for me when we get back?" I begged, pouting and pleading with puppy eyes that I know he couldn't see but hear in my voice.  
>"Of corse I will, sir. Is there anything else?"<br>"No thank you Ianto. See you soon"  
>"Goodbye sir."<p>

I'd barley seen him all day, only emerging when giving out coffee and then disappearing again. I guessed he had a lot of work to do, it is Ianto who keeps us all on our feet. He keeps it clean and organized, if he didn't we wouldn't be able to find anything and Torchwood would be a mess. He is the heart and soul of Torchwood, keeps everything together. We got back to the Hub,  
>"Coffee's on your desk sir" he said before walking out the door and into the Torchwood carpark. Good old Ianto, never asks questions just does as he is told. If only every member of the team could be like that. Gwen's always challenging my orders, I'm lucky if Owen is even listening to the orders I give him, let alone ready to follow them. Tosh usually does what she's told, occasionally there are questions and usually a questioning glint in her eyes. We don't get that from Ianto, his face is always hard to read and he always does as I tell him to do, so he can't have any problems with his orders. Although his only orders are <em>coffee <em>and _get this file from the archives_ and _archive this will ya._ It's hard to have issues with any of those.


	2. Chapter 2

**Cyberwomen:**

Chapter 2 -

We decided that the best way to determine who was buying drinks was to play basketball... Well, Owen decided it was the best idea. Me and Tosh verses Owen and Gwen. They were cheating of corse, it was Owen, I'd have been a fool to expect anything else. Me and Tosh lost but with Owen and Gwen cheating they had an unfair advantage. I decided to let Myfanwy out for a fly around, she hadn't been out of her nest for awhile and I thought she might want to stretch her wings. Ianto was just coming back in as we were leaving. I threw the basket ball at him as we passed by. I feel like an idiot now for not asking him to come with us, he would have said no either way but maybe, if I'd asked, or Gwen, or Tosh or Owen, maybe he would have realized we were his friends. He could talk to us. But we didn't. We took him for granted and we didn't realize it until later and it was almost too late. We came so close to losing him forever. My whole world would have come crashing down. It was still light outside when we left, talking about rugby. Gwen was complaining that I'd never seen a live match.  
>"I have other things to do with my time" I told her.<br>I do have other things to do with my time. A lot of better things to do, well, not really, but I do have more important things to do. UNIT, Flat Holm, paperwork, reports, daydreaming on rooftops, Ianto.  
>Then she went on about how Rhys knew someone who could get us tickets. Good old Rhys. More or less all Gwen ever speaks about. I'm not saying that it's not nice to hear about my teams home lives and know they enjoy life outside of Torchwood, it's enough to know they have a life outside of Torchwood. When you get the job, the job -more often than not- becomes you. Takes up your life, I try to encourage them to have a home life and hold onto it but no matter how many days off they get, how early they leave or how late they come in, the job always consumes them. Swallows them up almost.<p>

We went to the pub, taking a seat at the bar I ordered our first round as we started talking about nothing in particular. Gwen talks about Rhys, Tosh mentions that she's waiting for the new updates to be ready for the Torchwood computer systems. They all looked so ready to go home. I was ready to let them go. We'd been there an hour when one of Toshiko's gadgets went off, interrupting my joke.  
>"And then she said, do you know how hard it is to find a man in this city?"<p>

Then there was that irritating beeping noise which meant the fun was over and no one was going home any time soon.  
>"UFO sighting over Cardiff bay, 7 calls to emergency services" Tosh explained.<br>UFO sighting, simple thing to take of, just tell them to go away. All we needed to do after that was a few reports, some filing and paperwork and then they were off and I got some alone time with Ianto.  
>"Can we at least finish our drinks please" Owen moaned.<p>

Typical Owen, always the first to moan when work gets in the way of plans... Well, he's usually the only one that moans. I don't usually have any plans to be ruined, Gwen and Tosh just get on with it and I didn't think Ianto ever had plans either. The only one out of all of us with anything to go home to was Gwen and she seemed to moan more about my heartlessness than about being called away from home. Odd but true and as long as she gets the work done, it doesn't matter.

"Sure" I reply, "take 10 seconds."

I start finishing off my own drink. Owen and Tosh get up to leave, Gwen takes one last long drink and then we rush out. It was getting darker now, despite there being a UFO above Cardiff bay that was scaring the passers by, neither of us moved any faster to get back and get the problem over and done with. We walked just as slow returning as we did leaving. I was thinking about whether or not I should ask Ianto to stay the night, he seemed to be distant today and I wasn't sure if it was something I'd done or something personal that wasn't anyone's business but his. Then I was snapped back into the conversation by hearing Tosh start speaking.  
>"All I'm saying is that once in a while, I would like to try it" she said.<br>I didn't know what they were talking about but Owen didn't seem to want her to have a go.

"And all I'm saying is no" he replied, not even looking at her, his eyes fixed on the path ahead. "Why not?" Tosh pleaded. Whatever it was, she really wanted a turn, if I knew what they were talking about I might have stepped in and told Owen to let her try it, but it could have been anything.  
>"I've shared cars with women before" ah, so that's what they're talking about. Toshiko wants to try driving the car around and Owens, saying no. "And" he continues "I know what will happen. They'll be an emergency and we're all raring to go, I jump in and what do I find? The seats in the wrong position, the rear view mirror is out of line and the steering wheel is in my crotch."<p>

I laugh. He's got a point, that's happened to me before. You let someone else use your car and when you get it back you realize they hadn't bothered to put things back to how they were when you gave it to them. I've also found rubbish littering the floor of the SUV and other cars I've driven, spaceships and so on. I promised I'd never let anyone borrow them again. It's problems like this that make me happy about having more than one SUV, everyone can drive, although not everyone needs to and not everyone does.  
>"What about a rota?" Gwen asks as we enter the tourist office, I move around behind the desk to hit the button that opens the secret door. "Different people drive on different days."<br>"We're a secret organization hunting alien technology from an underground base and you want a rota for who drives?" I asked her moving past to get through the door, everyone following me in.  
>"Just trying to help" she says moving towards the door and only just getting in on time enough to squeeze through before it cuts her in half. We all come through the gate surrounding the entrance, I see no sign of Ianto and guess he's down in the archives. I start giving out the orders necessary for a UFO sighting.<br>"Tosh call up the radar within a 50 mile radius of the bay within the last 6 hours. Gwen, check with that man... Neil, I think his name was" I climb the stairs, everyone coming up after me. "Voice like Sean Connery... See if they picked up any chatter around the time of the sighting." I move around to where Owen is sitting, at his work station. "Owen, check with the air space provision over Cardiff bay and the RAF flight plan, see if it's just a case of mistaken identity."

You'd be surprised how often that happens. It happens because the RAF are testing new airplanes and keep it a secret from the public so when the public see it they question it and the RAF deny any involvement and everyone thinks it's all aliens and then the government tell them that aliens aren't real. It could all be avoid if the armed forces were just honest but they're sworn to secrecy about things like that and then wonder why members of the public don't trust the government with their issues and concerns. I think I just figured out why. Ah, there's Ianto. I spy him behind the fountain as I move away from Owens desk and over to my own office. I can see him straightening his tie, he's always doing that, I tell him almost everyday, he looks fine but he doesn't believe me. I lean against my desk, one leg crossing over the other as I look over my paperwork. I can hear Gwen talking to Neil on the phone, I can hear Tosh and Owen tapping away at their keyboards and the I hear Ianto's dress shoes on the floor, my head snaps up, I look over his back before asking him to make some coffee.  
>"Ianto" he stops and looks stiff for a moment, only a moment. "Would you work some coffee magic?" he relaxes, it's a change you only see if you know him as well as I know him. Or thought I knew him, at least. He turned to look at me, I put my hands together in a mock beg and pout a little. He offers me a weak smile and heads up the stairs towards the kitchen.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

(I know it's not exactly Thrusday but I already have the chapter written up and it was just sitting there and it was begging for me to put it up... So here it is. I promise the next chapter will be put up on thrusday and things will get more action packed)

Chapter Three-

Suddenly the lights started flickering. Now what?  
>"What's happening?" I heard Gwen ask, as I lean out of my office a little to find out why the lights are playing up.<br>"Internal power drain" Tosh noted looking at one of her many computer screens.  
>Internal power drain? From where? What area of the Hub is using so much power that it drains the power from everywhere else? This hasn't happened before, not like this at least.<p>

"What's causing it?" Gwen asks, her eyes leaving the screen to look directly at Tosh.

I leave my office completely, stepping in to the area where the other desks are,  
>"something big, to drain that amount of power."<br>Maybe I was stating the obvious but it was a stupid question. If we knew, we wouldn't be standing around talking about it, we'd be dealing with it. "Tosh, run a system diagnostic."  
>This is when Ianto came down from the kitchen area, still not having finished the coffee.<br>"Actually" he butted in, drawing all of our attention away from the task at hand just surprised to hear that he's actually talking, he's usually quiet and does his best to avoid conversation. "We've been having generator problems all evening. I was down their checking it earlier. A few bits of cabling had come loose, I thought I fixed it."

I crossed my arms over my chest, now standing beside Owens work station, looking hard at Ianto. It didn't seem like he was being honest but I also couldn't figure out why he would need to lie about something like this. If it had happened and he didn't check it out or if it hadn't happened at all, I couldn't tell for sure. But either way, he was lying about something, did he know what was going on? I could see everyone else looking at him too, trying to figure out if it was the truth or not.  
>"Let me have another look?" he suggests. He is strangely confident although I could tell it was forced confidence, used to get us to agree. I cross my arms again, might as well give him the benefit of the doubt.<br>"Fine" I let out a breath, "go check."

I watch him turn and walk away.  
>"Want some help" Gwen asks, kindly.<p>

It was clear she didn't believe him either and when he refused her help, it was only clearer that he knew what was really going on but I refused to believe Ianto was at fault and tried to think of another explanation for all this.

He moved fast, acting almost as if he was panicked but he tried to keep it slow, no one was buying it. Tosh looked like she was and Owen looked like he didn't care but I could see that Gwen had noticed it. Good old Gwen, police trained to keep an eye open for the details, even the smallest thing might give the answer to a big problem. While Ianto was 'dealing with the problem', me, Owen and Gwen gathered around Tosh's workstation to get a look at the UFO. I recognised it imminently and knew how to get rid of it.  
>"That's a UFO?" Gwen seems surprised.<p>

I'm surprised that she can still get surprised. Most people stopped being surprised by things after their first week in Torchwood. She's been here about a month now.  
>"Only just" Owen told her.<br>"... First generations, collectors item, don't see many of those around these days" I remember they used to be around all the time, but like everything over time they go out of style and people want something more high tech. I drove one of those baby's once, god they are so smooth to ride, easy to stire. "Tosh, send a polite message saying 'Great to see them but can they please get the hell out of our atmosphere they're spooking the locals" I tap her shoulder as a thanks, watching as she types the message before pressing send.  
>"Done" she smiled after sending it.<p>

Like I said, simple, tell them to go away and they go. Luckily they were friendly and not hostile, the hostile aliens don't go away so easily.  
>"Shouldn't we be apprehending it? Investigating it?" Gwen asks, a lot more concerned than she has to be.<br>"Oh please" I reply, not looking at her, my eyes staying fixed on the screen, "you interrogate a Archon you'll be in there for a month and that's just the first question, they are so, boring" I remember having already tried that once before. Never doing that again, it was like being pregnant, painful but in a different way. "Besides, they're mostly made of liquid, the cells would be a mess."

Then the lights started going again and my mind goes back to Ianto, the problem must have been worse than I suspected because he should have been back by now. Now it seems to be happening again, whatever it was he clearly has not fixed yet, if he's even tried to fix it yet.  
>"There it goes again" Owen points out, starting to walk away.<p>

Yeah, thanks Owen, I almost didn't notice. The power loss was 25%. I tried get in contact with Ianto,  
>"Ianto, we've got another does of darkness. Find anything?" Nothing. "Ianto? I need to hear those beautiful welsh vowels." Still, nothing. Now, I was starting to get worried. He was either ignoring me or he couldn't reply for whatever reason. Both those options were bad. If he was ignoring me, he was ignoring me for a reason, whether he was afraid to speak or the task had his complete attention. If he was unable to reply he could be injured. If he was ignoring me then he needed to be punished and if he was injured he needed medical attention. Why isn't he answering me?<p>

Finally Tosh located the power drain to the down stairs store room. I leaned in to get a closer look. There wasn't anything in that room, why was power being drained from there  
>"Looking for human heat signals" she did the heat scan, takes all of two seconds. Thank god for the high tech equipment otherwise we might have taken longer and been too late. At this point Owen rushes over and takes a look.<br>"We've got" Tosh begins but Owen rudely interrupted her. Not that I cared enough to point it out right then.  
>"Two signals" Owen mentioned, looking back at me.<br>It appeared we had more important things to worry about. Now I was confused. I look up at the ceiling as if it was going to give me the answer. I was thinking, what could the other heat source be, it had to be human. The machine only works for human heat sources  
>"So, presuming one's Ianto" Tosh began.<p>

This time it was Gwen who interrupted her and what she said brought me to a sudden realization that sent horror and fear running through my entire body.  
>"Who's the other?"<p>

Every other member of the team was here with me. Only Ianto was missing and if two heat signals were down in the store room, not that I could rap my head around how Ianto knew the store room was the problem, someone else had to be down there with him. There was no logical reason for him to keep someone hidden from us so it had to be a break in. As impossible as it sounded it sounded like a better option than 'Ianto is hiding someone in the Hub's store room'.

"I'm thinking we're under attack" I tried to keep it calm, although everything inside me screams to panic. I'm the boss, I have to be profession at all times, especially if no one else is and people are in danger. "Security's been breached!" I leave the team standing around Tosh's work station. They followed after me when I got down the stairs. "We assume battle protocol."  
>"That's impossible!" Tosh almost shouts as she heads towards me at top speed. "No one can get in without triggering 7 separate alarms."<br>"Yeah?" I say in disbelief. "Well, looks like our system needs to be upgraded!"

I started taking the guns down from the shelf, loading them and removing the safety. Handing them to Owen who passed them to the girls before taking one for himself and then leaving mine with me.  
>"I'll head down and look for Ianto" Owen says clicking his gun.<br>"I'll come with you" Gwen said.  
>Okay, I was going to go find Ianto but if they'd rather do it.<br>"You alright with that?" Owen asks, as if sensing that I would have a problem with it.  
>What did he think I had problem with? Him and Gwen going to find <strong>Ianto<strong> or him and **Gwen **going to find Ianto. I know everyone thinks I have feelings for Gwen, I'm even sure that Gwen thinks I have feelings for her but what I feel for her doesn't go beyond the greatest friendship it's possible to have with someone. Me and Ianto... I wouldn't say it was love but we passed lust weeks ago. I knew I cared for him but love was out of the question, love is always out of the question because it doesn't last. Not for me. The feelings do but the person fades and without the person, what good is love, really?

"Keep your comms on at all times, any doubt shoot first. Priority is to find Ianto!" Me and Tosh head of in one direction, Gwen and Owen go in the other.  
>If Ianto is being held hostage by whatever else was down there, it suddenly hit me that he hasn't even had basic field training. He wouldn't know what to do. He'd be freaking out, possibly promising them anything that would mean he got out alive and who could blame him for that? That's what any rational person would do, bargain with the person so that they get out of it alive. That's what I would want any member of the team to do, as long as they don't put anyone else's life in danger. But they've all been trained to handle situations like that but Ianto hasn't and I make a note to make sure that he does get out into the field and get some real training. Just so that if worst comes to worst, he can handle himself out there. I just had to hope that he was okay. He had to be okay, it was Ianto, Torchwood would crash and burn without him.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Cyberwomen:**

Chapter Four-

I tap on my comm, it's time to get in touch with Gwen and Owen, see if they found Ianto or what ever the other signal was.  
>"Progress report?"<br>"Signs of activity in the..."

His voice was quiet and the comm was staticky. We were losing them, all the electricity was being drained and appeared to now be affecting our communication. I had to stay in touch with them, I had to know what was going on, the last thing I needed was to have to worry for their safety as well. One person to worry about is one too many in my opinion.  
>"We're losing you" I tell him, hoping it will encourage him to speak louder, not too loud because they'd give away their positions but loud enough so that I can hear him speaking.<p>

"Whatever that power source is it's interfering with the comms" Tosh said, typing away frantically.  
>Well wasn't this just getting better and better. I had to figure out what to do next and I didn't have a lot of time to figure it out in.<br>"Gwen... Owen, can you hear me?" Nothing. "Damn, can we get them back?" I look at Toshiko, imploring for her to hurry up and figure things out. I know it's not her fault but I need to be able to communicate with them, we already lost contact with Ianto, we couldn't afford to lose Gwen and Owen as well.

"Trying other channels" Tosh sounds just as annoyed as I am but as the boss, I'm allowed to show how annoyed I am. "There's something else you need to see" Tosh says, the look on her face doesn't give me much hope. It's clearly not good news. I look over at the screens in front of her, waiting for her to tell me what the new problem is.  
>"I've gone back through our CCTV for the last couple of hours" I was waiting for the bomb shell to drop. "Someone has tried to remove the images from our system" there it was.<br>"See, now I'm starting to get a little peeved. These people come into my house, start using my things..." I trailed off, not quite sure how to finish my sentence and hoped what I'd already said expressed enough. No one breaks into my home and starts touching things. I don't even like it when I catch the team touching things that don't belong to them.  
>Tosh brought up the most recent footage that hasn't been deleted and we started to watch it. I couldn't believe it. There was Ianto and an old man, who had just let himself into the Hub and I know he didn't work for Torchwood, which meant an insider, presuming at this point, it was Ianto, had told him how to get in. He and Ianto were shaking hands and then Ianto took his brief case and lead him away.<p>

Now I didn't know what to think. What was he doing? It's always the quiet ones. At least this explains his distance for the day. It didn't make sense. There were no signs that this man was connected to the current power drain though.

None of us had, to my knowledge, done anything wrong to Ianto. I know I hadn't done anything wrong, if he wasn't enjoying the sex all he had to do was ask me to stop and I would stop. If someone else was treating him badly, I'd like to think he'd tell me. I'd also like to think that the team members were pleasant to each other especially if I'm not around.  
>"What the hells going on here?" I ask aloud, praying that if Tosh knew something she'd tell me. I hoped no one else was in on this, just knowing Ianto had the guts to betray me was enough but everyone else too... Okay, now I needed to know what was going on. I couldn't handle this anymore.<br>"Gwen, Owen... Can you hear me?" I try to communicate with them again, were they just as clueless as I was to Ianto's involvement, or had they found him so we could bring up for questioning. Still nothing. Looks like the comms were still offline. I kept trying, maybe they were just ignoring me too.

Auto power resuming. Whatever it was, it was fixed now. The lights were coming back on.  
>"Internal levels are being restored" Tosh sounded happy and confused. A second ago things were all over the place and now, suddenly they were coming back together.<br>"Gwen, Owen, can you hear me?" now the power was coming back maybe the comms were too. "If I don't hear something in 10 seconds I'm coming down there!" I cross my arms and lean back a little. This was beyond frustrating.  
>"Jack, It's Gwen" thank god, someone was talking. "The comms dropped out but they're back online now." Thanks for that Gwen, I kinda figured. Get to the point.<br>"Any sign of Ianto?" Now that I've got Gwen and Owen back we can focus on Ianto, regardless of whether or not he was involved, I wanted him safe.  
>"No" that was Owens voice, and he sounded less than happy. I was waiting for him to continue, sensing there was more to the story. "But we have found part of a cyber conversion unit. Fully powered up and working!"<p>

A cyber conversion unit? Then it hit me... Torchwood one. Ianto used to work for Torchwood London and then it was taken over by Cybermen, he barely got out alive. He was the only one left alive. If there was a cyber conversion unit here, Ianto might be planning the same thing for Torchwood three.  
>"This is no time to be kidding around Owen" I didn't want to believe it but I knew that not even Owen Harper wouldn't joke about something like that. Even he knows how serious of a subject it is. <em>Come on Owen, tell me you're joking. Tell me it was a joke and we can forget you said it and find out what the real problem is.<br>_"I'm deadly serious" he replies  
>I knew it. That just made the situation ten times worse. Either Ianto was going to convert himself or he was going to convert us. I didn't want to believe either of them were in his plans. Maybe I had it all wrong, maybe he found it and brought it here to try and figure out a way to reverse it and didn't want to tell us in case it failed because he didn't want us to say <em>'we told you so'<em> and laugh at his failure. Maybe this is just one big misunderstanding. I doubted it but... I know, I know, false hope is worse than no hope at all.  
>"I don't know why it's here, or how it got here but that's what's draining our power." He contuied.<p>

If that's what was draining our power, then it was in use. Ianto was using it or that other person that had entered the Hub earlier was using it. We had footage of him entering and not leaving so the logical answer was, he was still here. Maybe Ianto was bringing people in and they were paying to be converted. Cybermen were, after all, immortal and of corse, emotionless. No heartbreak, no pain, no sadness. Tell people all the bad stuff will be gone and it'll sell fast, leave out the fact that it also takes away your ability to love and be happy, no one will know until it's too late.

"Jack, you there?"

Now he sounded scared. Owen Harper, scared, now that was a site to see. Now was not the time to find humor in his pain. A Cyberman being loose in Torchwood was very bad. If it got to the outside world, it would be even worse, they'd be no stopping them. They'd spread like wild fire.  
>"I want you two back up here immediately!" Forget about Ianto, if he was -as I suspected but hoped he wasn't- behind all this, then it was better off leaving him down there, as much as it pained me to say so, it was true.<br>"We still haven't found-"  
>I went to tell him it wasn't important to find Ianto anymore when there was a loud noise from their side and it was Gwen who spoke to me next.<br>"Jack, code zero, incursion. Repeat, code zero, incursion. We're under attack."

I looked at Tosh, that was it, I was going down there. If Cybermen were already here and walking around, they needed to get out of there.  
>"If I'm not back in 10 minutes, activate total shut down. Get yourself to safety" I said, walking away. I was going down there to find out what the hell was going on and get them out if I could. Rather me than them.<p>

"But I can't just leave you all here" Tosh called after me.

Good old Tosh, always thinking of others. Now isn't the time to be compassionate, it was a possible life or death situation. Save yourself and fuck everyone else.  
>"If there's a Cyberman in this building, we need the last line of defence. Just make sure it never gets to the outside world" I say before I disappear completely. I know she'll do as I told her, even if she doesn't agree with it because she always does.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Cyberwomen:**

Chapter Five-

As soon as I was on that level I could hear Gwen screaming. It was painful to my ears and all I remember thinking was: _All the time Gwen was screaming, it means she's alive so my worries had to be with who I couldn't hear but who I knew was down there. _

Owen and Ianto. That's if Ianto even deserved my worry. Right now I'm not sure he does but I can't seem to fight worrying about him. There it is, I can see it. The Cyberman standing next to the conversion table, Gwen laying on it.  
>"...Put your hands up and turn around!" I try to keep my authority in my voice. Ianto and Owen still out of sight. Then it turns around and that, that takes me by surprise. It takes a few steps towards and I get a better view. I went to shoot but then stopped in surprise. "You- you're a woman."<br>"Owen! Jack!" Gwen's not screaming anymore, which is a good sign but she does still sound like she's in pain and terrified. I go to shoot and all I see is the Cyberwomen turn away as someone -Ianto- pushes me against the wall, in the attempt to stop me.

I try to fight him off, but he's stronger than I suspected.  
>"You're fighting the wrong guy!" I almost scream into his face.<p>

He can't be serious, he can't really be fighting me. I'm on his side, we were once on the same side. Fighting together. We made a great team, why was he fighting me? What had I done wrong, what had any of us done wrong? I can't quite place the expression on his face. He looks like he wants to cry, looks like he wants to fight me and help me at the same time. He looked just as confused as I did yet at the same time he looked like he knew what going on, what would happen and he was trying to stop it. Why was he defending this Cyber-thing?  
>"Can somebody help me?!" Gwen screamed.<p>

I snapped back to earth, remembering where I was, what was happening, what I had to do. But if this was Ianto's fault I wasn't about to let him get away with it, I was going to make him clear up the mess he made and then I was going have him fired and retconed. I'd considered killing him but I knew if that was the case, I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger and I couldn't ask any one else to do it either, it wasn't fair.

I look back at Gwen, still holding Ianto against the wall, a look of pure horror creeping on to my features. Both me and Ianto run over to Gwen. I put my gun away and run to her side, Ianto running over to the machines.  
>"Turn it off!" Gwen ordered, as if I hadn't thought of that.<p>

I can see Ianto hitting some buttons, whether they turn it off or not I wasn't sure until he mentioned that they weren't working. Wait, if he was responsible for this, why was he suddenly helping us? Not 5 minutes ago he had me pinned against a wall, trying to convince me not shoot the creature that was responsible for this. This was just getting more and more confusing by the minute and I didn't have room for anymore questions. Gwen screamed again. Ianto said something about how she'd messed around with the circuits, he hit the thing with his fist and still nothing happened.  
>"Shut off the power everywhere!" He shouted.<p>

It seemed funny that now he was trying to give orders but since this seemed to be the best bet at saving Gwen's life, I had to allow it. I got in contact with Tosh,  
>"Toshiko, cut off all the power, everywhere!" I order. Still at Gwen's side, my eyes darting from her to Ianto and back again. It doesn't look like he's going anywhere.<br>"I do that and the base goes into lock down, we'll be trapped!"

She tells me that like I didn't already know.  
>"Just do it!"<p>

"Switch it off. Switch it off" Gwen screams again.

_We've already tried that, Gwen. It's not working. Come on, Tosh, hurry up._ Finally, the power's off and we're left in darkness.  
>"Gwen?" I move closer, trying to get her out.<br>"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine" she took a few short but deep breaths. "Sort of, Jack, please get me out of here."  
>"It's alright" I tell her, flashing my torch at Ianto to get a look at his face, his looking at the wall. He looks so afraid, so vulnerable and so... Sorry, dare I say. Hard to believe it was him who caused this, then again, the look he has on his face might just be an act to make him look innocent. I look back at Gwen before he turns back to me.<br>"Where is she, where did she go?" Gwen asks, still lying on the conversion table as I haven't actually moved her yet. "Please, tell me you got her!"  
>I turn back to Ianto, who has now moved closer to the door.<br>"Stand guard by the door!" I order, it wasn't a good idea to send him out there without supervision but I had to get Gwen off the table and if that thing came back for him, at least it wasn't like he was on our side anyway.

He bends down to pick Owen up and then turns back to us, talking more to Gwen than to me,  
>"I'm sorry" he says, I look at him, sorry? That's all he has to say. Gwen could have died and all he has to say is sorry. "I'm really sorry."<br>"What for?" Gwen asks.

Clearly she hadn't caught on yet. Ianto was part of it, Ianto almost had her killed and she didn't even know it. I felt like I should say something but now was not the time, I had to get her out of there. Then he left. I watched him leave, making sure he didn't go any further than the door. I turn back to Gwen, desperate to get her off of the conversion table and back up into the main area, along with Owen who was still not awake and Ianto who I was trying so hard not shoot at right now.  
>"Let's just get outta here" I say as I start helping her off the table. Using my wrist strap. We leave the room, I put Owen over my shoulders when Gwen assures me she's alright to walk.<br>"Clear?" I ask Ianto as we step out.  
>"Clear" he replies.<p>

Not trusting his judgment, I keep my gun out and pointed in front of me. Gwen and Ianto both holding torches, lighting the way ahead. How did it come to this? This couldn't be the end of us, I'll be damned if I'm going to let Torchwood go down like this.  
>"Oh god, there she is" Gwen pointed out as the Cyberwomen came into view, standing just beyond the doorway in front of us. "What is she?" Gwen asks.<p>

Clearly no one had told her about Cybermen yet.

Looks like it was up to me to break the ice.  
>"Some form of Cyberman" I tell her, my gun still aimed towards the creature - robot - thing, in front of me. "There us upgraded" I look from Gwen to Ianto, to the Cyberwomen, who I was later going to know was called Lisa. "Humans with emotions removed. Created on a parallel world and supposedly destroyed on this one" I look back at Ianto, my brow frowned towards him. He has his back to us, standing to far in front for me to see his face.<p>

"What do we do?" Gwen asked, not taking her eyes off of Lisa for a second.  
>"I don't know" I had to admit it. There was no good making something up and realizing it wouldn't work. I honestly had no idea what to do. There was nothing to do, when they were around you avoided them the best you could, that was it. Gwen looks at me and the Cyberwomen gets away again. Ianto makes a step in that direction but as if thinking better of it, he doesn't move any further.<br>"She's gone." He says.  
>Thanks Ianto. I put my gun at his head, clicking off the safety and waiting for him to tense up to show he's noticed. It doesn't take long, it's almost instant.<br>"Get us back to the Hub" I try to keep my voice emotionless, and although it doesn't work, I hope no one else notices.  
>"Jack, what are you doing?" Gwen exclaims in pure confusion.<p>

"Resisting the urge to shoot!" I reply, putting the barrel of the gun to the back of his head.


	6. Chapter 6

Cyberwomen:

Chapter Six-

Ianto hesitated for a few moments but as I pressed the barrel against the back of his head he slowly started moving forward. I can't even imagine the look he had on his face. I could see Gwen's face, though. She thought I'd gone insane. Maybe I have. Maybe finding out one of my employees has been hiding a Cyberwoman in the basement of my Hub finally pushed me over the edge and drove me into insanity. My eyes barely leave the back of Ianto's head as he leads the way up into the main area where Tosh is. She's bent down, looking for something at her work station.  
>"Tosh, get everything from the weapons room as fast as you can" she straightened up at the sound of my voice.<p>

I layed Owen on the floor, taking my eyes from Ianto for a split second, luckily he didn't seem keen on the idea of escaping, he was still in the same position when I looked back at him.  
>"It's locked down, there's no manual over ride" she said, walking off in that direction anyway.<br>"Just open the store!" I'm standing right behind Ianto now and I can hear Owen get up and join the rest of us. I put my hand on Ianto's shoulder, ordering him to get on his knees. I had so many questions. Why was he hiding her in the basement? Who was she? What happened to her? Why didn't he tell anyone? Why didn't he tell me? How was he so good at hiding things? How the hell didn't I notice her before? I turned him around and forced him onto his knees, he shows no signs of wanting to disobey my orders. He does as he's told, just like he's always done. "Hands above your head!"

"Jack, for god sake, what are you doing?" Tosh's voice is high pitched. If I'd bothered to turn and look at her at that point I would have seen the surprised look that I'm sure she was wearing. Confused as to why I had a gun pointed at Ianto's head. I seemed to be the only one with brains enough to figure out this much.  
>"Tosh, I gave you and order... Gwen, help her!" I hear them fussing around trying to get into the weapon room. I look at Ianto, feeling the fire burn behind my eyes, I try not to blink as I look at him directly. "Did you know that thing was down there?"<br>"I put her there" he answers. He tries to keep his voice cool and calm but I can see right through his act. He's panicking on the inside, refusing to tell us why or how. Keeping himself to himself and up until now, I'd appreciated that he didn't want people to know about his personal life because I rarely talked about myself too, not that I had much of a personal life to talk about. I see the light of Gwen's torch out the corner of my eye. Clearly she was now disobeying orders and not helping Tosh like I asked her too.  
>"You hid a Cyberman within Torchwood!" I put my hand on his head and tilted him to the side a little. I was getting angrier and angrier with every word he spoke. Why would he do something like this, to me, to any member of the team. Sure him and Owen didn't always get along but I think setting a Cyberman loose was a little bit of an overreaction. Him and Tosh were always friendly to each other, they'd certainly never been horrible to each other as far as I knew. Gwen was new here and she seemed to be nice to Ianto too, she didn't pay much attention to him but she certainly wasn't mean to him for any reason. As far as I could tell, Ianto enjoyed my company so there was no reason for this to be because of me either. Why, Ianto, tell me why? I ask it to myself even though I know I should properly be saying it out loud if I actually want answers.<p>

"And you didn't tell us!" I continued, my voice raising with every word. My anger loud and clear for all to see and hear and I don't care anymore either. No one hides a Cyberman or Cyberwoman inside my home and gets away with it... But I couldn't just shoot him either. Even though I now knew that it was him that caused all this, I can't bring myself to pull the trigger and put a bullet between his eyes. "What else are you hiding?" I don't know what I was expecting him to say. 'I use a magic wand to make the coffee every morning' or 'I deeply regret doing it' or 'I don't want to work for Torchwood anymore' or possibly even 'nothing, Sir. That's it.' But I definitely was not expecting the answer he actually gave. I take a step back, not wanting the gun to be so pressed against his face while he answers.  
>"Like you care" he says.<br>I'm taken aback for a split second. Did I hear that correctly? I look at him, his face is deadly serious. He honestly doesn't think I care about him, that any of us care about him. I don't say anything because I get a feeling that he hasn't finished yet. I lower my gun as he answers, his previous answer hit me like a ton of bricks and the rest of the answer was only worse.  
>"I clear up your shit" - it was rare to hear Ianto curse and whenever you did hear him swear it was obvious that the situation was bad. So far he'd refrained from using curse words, I guessed he was angry and I considered for a moment that he had a right to be, I did have a gun aimed at him but then I considered that he didn't have the right to be angry because I wouldn't be aiming the gun at him if he hadn't hidden a Cyberwoman in my store room.<br>"No questions asked and that's the way you like it. When did you last ask me anything about my life?"

I stare at him for a few more moments before I actually click the safety back on my gun and put it away. My eyes still not leaving his face as he continues to explain.  
>"Her name's Lisa" Lisa? Now I got it, Lisa. When I checked out his file it mentioned Lisa was his girlfriend but later on when I brought it up he'd mentioned that she was deceased. Guess she wasn't dead after all but I'd believed him when he said that she was. Now it all made sense, he was so insistent on getting a job at Torchwood, now I knew why. So he could hide his good-as-dead girlfriend in my basement, hoping I wouldn't notice. He must have had a right shock when he realized I stayed here over night, every night. I wonder if Ianto's moans and groans were loud enough to be heard in the deep darkness of the lowest Hub floor, where Lisa, has presumably been since Ianto got the job. Now is not the right time to think about it, although there never will be a right time to think about a Cyberman knowing my sex life. "She's my girlfriend" he finished.<p>

So, he'd cheated on his good-as-dead girlfriend. With me. As if I didn't feel bad enough already, thanks for that Ianto.  
>"Why didn't you tell us, we could have helped you" Gwen almost screeched the Hub down with her voice.<br>Once someone is converted, there's no un-converting them. It's done, it's done for good. Ianto knew we wouldn't be able to do anything. His subconscious knew Lisa was already dead but his heart wouldn't give up on her. I haven't been in that specific situation but I have been in similar situations. As a boss it's my job to do what is best for the team, I can't even try to help Ianto even if I wanted to because I know there is no undoing of the cyber conversion once it has begun.

"Torchwood exists to destroy alien threats. Why would I tell you about her?" He's looking directly at Gwen now.  
>His ice cold stare is enough to set anyone on edge, but that voice. It was completely emotionless. It gave me the bad kind of chills down my back. It was strange to hear someone sound like they had no emotion to act on. I knew Ianto had emotions he was putting on a stoic mask but I could see through it, I knew his heart was racing and I knew that the sweat forming on his forehead was due to more than just heat. But, he had a point. Torchwood does seek to destroy alien threats and that is exactly what Lisa was. An alien threat. My anger about his secrets over takes how impressed I am about his ability to keep them. I honestly thought Ianto would be a terrible liar, well I guess he proved me wrong.<br>"A little loyalty perhaps" came Owens voice.

Looks like he finally decided to join in. He sounds annoyed although any rational person would be.

Ianto's face changes, he looks back at me now, not looking at Owen who suggested it but at me. It was funny, Ianto cheated on her and Owens talking to him about loyalty. Of course none of the other team members know about me and Ianto. I'm careful enough to delete CCTV footage with out it being noticeable. I can tell by the tone in Owens voice that he isn't on Ianto's side at all and I'm not sure how I should feel about that. He's bringing up loyalty to Ianto but Ianto always did as he was asked and even now, he got on his knees, put his hands behind his head, didn't try to fight, didn't try to run, he was still doing as he was told and yet, Owen, rarely did as he was told.

"My loyalty is to her" Ianto replied, his eyes still fixed on me. As I look into his eyes, I can't help feel like he's trying to convince me that it's true. As if he is saying the words to me and to me only. Telling me that what we had was fake, he did it to distract me and it leaves me feeling used and betrayed and dirty... And -not for the first time ever but the first time in a while- a little bit like a slut He looks like he's about to cry and as much as I want to look away, I can't. I have to hold eye contact, otherwise, he dominates the situation and I have to be in control this time. "She worked for Torchwood. She was caught up in battle" he blinks for what seems like the first time since I got him on his knees. He looks away, "I owe it to Lisa" he looks back, "we, owe it to her." I put my hands on my hips, hold up Ianto, I don't owe her anything. Ianto looks at the rest of the team before turning back to me, "to find a cure."

I let out a breath, there is no cure. It was going to pain me to say that to him even though I was sure he already knew.  
>"Ianto, you have to believe me, there is no cure" I move closer to him. He was doing all of this for love, and it didn't excuse everything he's done, but it did make it more understandable, is there nothing we wouldn't do for love? "There never will be, those who are converted stay that way!" I answer honestly and yes, it does hurt to have to tell someone that someone they love has no hope of recovering from an illness, (not sure if this counts as illness or not) that has the ability to kill them. It didn't feel right that I was breaking the news to him. "You're girlfriend will not be the exception" I spit out the last few words like they're foul tasting. Maybe they were. It's always good to have hope, but false hope is not a good thing to have. Ever. I see the realization on his face for a second. Only a second because it fades away with his next few words.<br>"You can't know that for sure."

Yes, Ianto, I do and I'm sorry. I bring one my hands to my face, resting it on my nose in a fist for awhile I think over my next words. I have to be realistic, I have to be honest but I also want to be gentle. I know that being kind and considering his feelings may not be the best way to go around this but I can't bring myself to just start shouting at him how hopeless it is and how much pain it will cause if he keeps trying.  
>"Look" I remove my hand from my face. "You need to know what's happening here" I turn back too him, once again, looking into his face. I'm being as delicate as I can, I'm not use to this so I wasn't expecting to be any good at it. "Because this is where these things start. Small decisions that become mass slaughter" that happens many more time than you'd actually think it does. You think you're doing a favor and then suddenly several people are dead and it's all your fault. He looks like he just wants to cry. He look so ready to give in that I almost can't bare to look at him any longer. "These creatures" do they count as creatures if they're half robot? "Regain a foothold by exploiting human weakness. They take a base, rebuild their forces and before you know it the cyber race is spreading out across the universe." I can feel the eyes on me, Owen understanding my words and agreeing but keeping quiet. Gwen looking at me and although understanding my words she's trying to figure out a way to convince me to at least try and Tosh isn't looking at me at all, she's doing as she was told. Ianto's still looking at me too. Still so fragile and vulnerable. Like a child who's just been told off and sent to the naughty step. I guess that's what's happening here. Although the Torchwood naughty step means having a gun pointed at your head and although I've put my real gun away, I can tell he feels like I have a metaphorical gun pointed at his face ready to shoot. "Eliminating worlds, stimulating populations... All because of the tiny beginnings here!"<p>

I can see him looking for a way around it. Thinking, searching for a way to bring me around. I let him think for a while. He deserves all the chances he has to explain himself. I can't help but feel a little sorry for him and a little hateful towards myself. It's clear now that Lisa has been his motivation for pretty much everything; up until now. I'd just shot his whole world down with my metaphorical gun. Taken away every inch of hope he had and he was now trying desperately to regain it. Searching for a way around my words. There had to be a way around them, sorry, Ianto. There isn't. It's the truth. Cold hard fact, but I can't blame you for trying.  
>"We need to stop her!" I say before he'd found the hope he needs. I put my hands back on my hips, facing him dead on, further away than I was a few seconds ago, putting needed distance between us and keeping my face blank. "Together!"<br>He stands up, clearly not able to take it anymore, he takes his hands off the back of his head and gets to his feet. His sad, needy face turning into one of determination and anger. Looking like he's ready to do anything to stop me or anyone else for doing the right thing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Cyberwoman:**

Chapter Seven-

"You're not listening" he tells me, his voice stern. The stoic mask was back and it was creeping into his tone of voice as well. I tried to hide all the emotions that were rising inside of me. It was difficult. I've been pretending not to have a heart for many, many years but it never gets easier, especially at times like this. I keep looking at him, forcing my emotionless mask to stay in place, just like his. I was listening; it was him that wasn't listening. I can feel my heart thumping against my chest, it was so loud I was sure everyone around me could hear it as well, thought it they did, they didn't say anything.  
>"You're not listening to me, the conversion was never completed."<br>"She already tried to kill Gwen, do you really think she's going to stop there?" I ask, stepping forward again, getting into his personal space. It's an intimidation technique picked up over the years and in most situations it works. For a moment or two he looked intimidated, but it faded, like all of his emotions did. Covered by the mask he wore. "There is no turning back for her now" I wasn't shouting. I was trying hard not to because he didn't needed me to shout in his face as well as get all up in his business.  
>He closed his eyes briefly before opening them again, his blue eyes locking with mine once more.<br>"I'm" he hesitates. "Not giving up on her."

It's been awhile since I've heard such devotion, such love and determination that it hits home and I'm glad that only Ianto can see my face for awhile because I must have looked like a puppy begging for food. I was imploring him to see reason, though I said nothing, my eyes screamed for him to give in and help us take Lisa down. I guess, I knew it was a hopeless beseech but I haven't stopped living off false hope either. I don't think I've ever felt more connected to another human being than I did with Ianto at that moment. The false hope, the emotionless masks, the shadows we carried around with us everyday, everywhere we went.  
>"I love her" he breaks the silence that had been building up while we stared into each others eyes. "Can you understand that Jack? Have you ever loved someone?"<br>I search his face, as if I'm looking for a clue as to how I should answer. Do I lie, do I tell the truth? Or is it best to not say anything at all.

I ignore the question completely and get even closer to him,

"You need to figure out whose side you're on here... Because, if you don't know, you're not going to make it out of this alive!" I turn away, not being able to look at his face any longer and not wanting him to possibly see behind my words. I want him to think I'm angry, I want him to think that he has no other choice. Does he have another choice? Did he have another choice? He could have put up a better fight. He could have helped. Switched to our side at that very moment. Was I expecting him to just give up on her and help us? No. Was I expecting him to give up on us and try to fight us to help her? No. I was expecting him to do what he was doing before, what I would have done. Continued to play for both sides. I care about the person I want to protect, I also care about the people who are trying to kill her. Protect both. Keep trying to get the other side to change their mind. He needed Lisa to stop doing what she was doing, he needed her to be herself again even if it was just for a few minutes. He needed us to stop trying to destroy her. It didn't seem like she was going to stop and because she wouldn't stop, we couldn't stop. That's the way it is. If the other side gives up, you give up and it's over. If the other side continues, continue until you have nothing left to give and because I can't die, I will forever have something to give and I would never stop trying to keep her contained. She was not leaving the Hub alive and she was not going to get her metallic hands on another member of my team.

"There's no way, this weapon stores not going to open" Owen told me when my attention was back on the rest of my team.  
>"It's going to take six hours for the power to come back online" Tosh explained.<p>

And that is when Ianto joined in again.  
>"Let me talk to her" he said. "I can still save her."<br>_No, Ianto, the hole point of this conversation has been based around the fact that you can't save her._ And he said I wasn't listening.  
>"Save all of us" he continued. "She's not a monster" his voice was sad again. More than sad. It was nostalgic. I almost couldn't believe that what after she almost did to Gwen, Ianto wanted to try and talk to her. Then, Lisa appeared out of nowhere, giving Ianto his chance. I wasn't sure if I should stop him or not. I felt like I should but at the same time part of me wanted to let him have a chance. Part of me wanted him to have a chance at getting her back so he could be happy again, smile again. It wasn't often you got to see him smile. I myself have only seen it a few times and a real smile I've only seen once. After our first sexual encounter and then, it was only for awhile because it had been in my office and he left soon after getting his clothes on and waving goodbye.<p>

Before we even had a chance to stop him, he was walking towards her.  
>"Ianto" Gwen called, not moving from where she was standing. Although she hadn't moved from the spot since she got there. When she moved, so did Owen I stopped them both. Ianto deserves a chance to prove himself. I watched, ready to jump in at any moment, if there was even a hint of trouble, a doubt that she wouldn't hurt him, I was ready to step in and end it. I wasn't going to let anyone's life be put at risk because of this.<p>

"Lisa" Ianto said, her head turned towards him. "It's me."  
>Lisa was looking around the Hub, as if she hadn't even noticed him.<br>"You can't just let him go-" Gwen began but I shushed her, telling her to keep quiet. I wanted to hear this, I couldn't deal with the distraction, if something went wrong, I had to be able to step in straight away, we couldn't afford to be distracted.  
>"The army will be built from here. This building is suitable" her voice gave me the creeps. It was so robotic, so far from sounding human and I was sure it hurt Ianto to hear it.<br>"Who are you?" I ask. No one comes into my home and tries to kill my employees, even if they are one of my employee's girlfriend... Especially if they're an employee's girlfriend. The girlfriend of the employee I've been shagging for over a month. For over two months. Although, he'd properly find a better word for our arrangement.

"Human point two" she answered, looking straight at me.  
>"No" Ianto said, walking closer to her. "Lisa" he stopped in his tracks again. She responded to her name, that was always a good sign.<br>"So, how come you look like human point one?" I ask. Not willing to let Ianto have this conversation on his own. He wasn't trained to lead conversations of life or death. I could and I didn't need the training because if I died, I'd only come back and try again. Keep trying until I finally did it. Although over the years, I've been able to know what to say and what to avoid. I was facing her sideways as I spoke, Ianto looked at me. Clearly not impressed that I was getting in the way of his talking to her. But, I didn't trust him to talk to her alone, he knew that, it was written all over his face, but if he expected to be able to pull a stunt like this and be trusted not even an hour after, he was wrong.  
>"I don't understand" Lisa said.<p>

"Look at yourself" I was surprised that she didn't know she was still half human. The cyber race were obsessed with perfection, hence they removed emotions. It's hard to be perfect while polting the revenge and death of someone who cut you off while driving to work that morning. Or arguing with the one you love over something so stupid like which bed cover you wanted on the duvet. "Go ahead" I encouraged her. When she saw herself, she'd understand right. Notice she was still half human and remember who she was.  
>"Remember Lisa" Ianto contuied, taking a few more steps in her direction as she turned to look at her reflection in the glass. "Remember who you are."<p>

"The upgrade is incomplete" that voice, I hope her human voice was a lot more settling that the robotic one she now possessed.  
>"You're still human" Ianto was getting closer and closer with every word he spoke and I wanted to shout at him, wanted to tell him to stay back but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to speak.<br>"I am... Disgusting... I have... I am..." she seemed lost for words. That is a sight, a Cyberman without an answer. "Wrong" she finished in the end.  
>Clearly not the answer Ianto was hoping for. He was on her level now, stepping closer again.<br>"We can help you" he said.  
>"I must start again" Lisa was completely ignoring him. He was offering her help, offering to help her get fixed and she wasn't even paying attention to him. I kept one of my hands on my gun, ready to aim and fire if the time called for it. "Upgrade properly."<br>"For god sake, have you heard yourself?" Ianto's voice was raising. He was getting impatient and embarrassed that he hadn't been able to bring her around yet. It was hard to watch but I had to watch. He was moving towards her again. "Lisa, please. I brought you here" every time he says it I'm filled with the emotion of betrayal. "To heal you. So we can be together" how he hadn't started crying yet, I'll never know. He was good at keeping his emotions hidden, but hiding them and not feeling are not the same thing. Just like not know what you feel is far from being the same of feeling nothing.

Lisa took her eyes off of her reflection in the glass and she looked at him.  
>"Together" she said, must have been a trick of the light but her lips appeared to be cracked, ever so slightly, into a smile. Was she coming back, returning to Lisa. Remembering who she was. Ianto's girlfriend? "Yes. Transplant my brain into your body" okay, never mind. Still a member of the Cyber community. There was no way I was going to let her put her brain into Ianto's body, nor was I about to let her touch Ianto's body. He bowed his head, I could see it now, he was going to start crying at any moment. It was getting harder and harder every time she spoke. It was also getting harder and harder to watch but I had to watch, so that I knew when and if I was needed to step in. "We'll be one complete person" she continues. "Isn't that what love is?"<br>What Ianto said was exactly what I was thinking.  
>"No."<br>"Then we are not compatible!"

And before I had the chance to react Lisa had taken Ianto by the throat and thrown him across the Hub. Landing not far away from me. I get my gun out, he doesn't move and although it scares me I know I have to act professional and I point my gun at her. Not sure why I pause long enough before shooting, it only gave her time to get me first. Electricity running through my hands, making me drop the gun.


	8. Chapter 8

**Cyberwoman:**

(Hey, sorry that I didn't update it Thursday. My laptop is broken. I figured out that I can update this on my I-pod so that's what I'm doing while my laptop is in for repairs. I might have made a few mistakes. I'm a lot better at this with my laptop. I lost the chapter hat I already had written up so I had to write them all again. Thank you for being patient. I'm uploading the chapter early as an apology an I will also upload another on Thursday as it was agreed. Anyway, here is the chapter, let me know what you think. X)

Chapter Eight-

"Code nine manoeuvres, go!" I pick up my gun again. Odds are a time will come when I'll need it again. The night's still young, after all. I'm still the leader. I can't stop and care for Ianto, no matter how much I want to and believe me, I do want too. I may not be pleased with his behaviour today, he may have disappointment a little and really hurt me with a few of his remarks but it was Ianto Jones. He was just young and in love. I can't really blame him. I kinda do buy not fully and I certainly don't want him to die. I can't help him now. I'll help him later... If he's still alive, of course. I have 3 other people relying on me now. I can't put all of my focus and attention on one person. I don't let myself look back at him as I turn. If I look back it will make leaving him there like that impossible. I turn to run but the _Cyberwomen..._ Lisa, was advancing towards Gwen. She almost had her once and Cybermen don't give up easily. They don't like leaving a Job undone.

I wasn't about to let... Lisa... Hurt Gwen again. She wasn't hurting anyone else tonight. I refused to let that happen. Enough blood has been spilt already. I call for Gwen to move but she doesn't seem to hear me. Her eyes wide with fear, she seems frozen to the spot. Unmovable like her feet have been nailed to the floor. I was about to step in but Owen beat me to it.

"Lisa!" He shouts. "What are you waiting for?"

Now that Lisa is focused elsewhere, I can get Gwen out safely. I call her again and this time she responds. She hurries over to me. She knows the protocol, everyone to the conference room. We run up the stairs and I can hear every step Lisa is taking. I can tell how far away she is and where she is without even looking. I'm sure that in her lifetime -her human life time, obviously- Lisa was a nice young woman. Properly beautiful, maybe funny and hopefully kind. Energetic if she kept up with Ianto for as long as his file suggests she did. As long as she treated right and looked after him, her personality and appearance don't really matter. It's sad that Lisa had to go through the torture of a cyber conversion, I can imainge it's an easy thing to endure. It's also sad that Ianto watched her go through it. It's even sadder when you realise that Ianto felt like he couldn't talk to me or another Torchwood member. I could see from the look in his eyes when I had my gun pointed at him that, he really didn't think he had anything to live for without her. Like, no one would miss him if he suddenly just wasn't around anymore.

I promise myself right then and there that if Ianto was alive, if he made it out alive, that I would show him everything he would miss if he died. And I would show him that he will be missed.

Focus Harkness, you got a job to do! I tell myself.

"Run!" I hear Lisa's robotic voice. "They all ran!"

I wish I didn't know who she was talking about. Right, okay I made it to the conference room. I look around, Gwen, Owen, Tosh. Great. Everyone's here. Gwen's looking out the window. Shinning her torch out of it so she can see. Owen and Tosh are awaiting orders and, like me, regaining lost breath. How do people who run for a living manage it' I can't even run two miles without getting dizzy and short of breath. One of life's mystereis, I guess.

"She's coming after us!" Gwen screeches her eyes leaving the window that looks out over the main Hub floor. Gwen seems to be the only one of us who doesn't need to regain her breath. Maybe I should train my team more like police officers, they seem pretty for and healthy. If they can all run like Gwen did and be ready to do it again in seconds, maybe it's worth a shot.

"There's a surprise!" Owen comments.

I can't be mad at him for making a comment like that. He took the words right out of my mouth.

"Could you be any less helpful?" Gwen snaps at him.

Well yes, actually I'm sure he could be less helpful. He did help you escape the hands of a Cyberwoman. He could have left you behind be to converted. We all could have. I can't be angry at my team for bickering. It was a highly stress moment and stress makes people.. Well, stress. Besides, Owen was only saying what we were all thinking.

"Oi, I just helped you escape!" He retorted.

"Shut up, both of you!" This pointless argument was only wasting time. Time we didn't have. I think I might have my thoughts organised enough to for a plan, although I don't have enough breath in my lungs to even think about speaking now. What choice do I have, like I said, we don't have a lot of time. "Okay, this is a fight to the death" have to make sure we're all on the same page and know what we're doing. We need to be in a realistic state of mind if we are going to get out of this alive. "We do whatever is necessary" my words take awhile to come out because I'm still trying to regain lost breath. "To destroy her... Forget what Ianto said, that thing is not human. We clear?" I wait for their nods of agreement and reassurance before I continue with making a plan. Then I notice something out the corner of my eyes. A metallic surface shinning in the light supplied by Tosh and Gwen's torches. I look at the object for awhile. Then just like that, bang. I have a plan for Tosh. I give her the metal object.

"What's this?" She questions, looking at it curiously.

"Something Suzie scavenged last year. She claimed it could open any lock within 45 seconds. I want you out the exit gates, up the emergency stairs, into reception" I begin but I get interrupted by -surprise, surprise- Owen.

"She'll never open that door without power, it weights a ton!"

You can always count on Owen to being a positive attitude to a negative situation. He's right, possibly. But what choice do we have? Wait in here to die? It's not a choice for them. Me? Maybe, I'll only come back again. They won't. Anyway, you'd be surprised at the strength you can master when the right circumstances come around. I have total faith in Tosh. I believe she can do it. It's not enough for me to believe it, though. She has to believe it too and it looks like Owens comment has swayed her a bit because she comments on what he says.

"Anyway, I'm not leaving you all here!" Her smile is lacking in its usual joy and warmth. It's cold, nervous and forced. It doesn't suit her.

"DO AS I SAY! ALL OF YOU!" I'm getting impatient. I don't mean to shout; my voice rises with would permission. It's nice to know my team care about courier other but right now it's not the time to watch our own backs. We have to stop this Cyber-thing, from getting out. We have to protect the world. Not just Cardiff, not just Wales. The world. Toshiko is the only one I have any orders for at the moment and I haven't even finished giving them yet. How can anyone else do as I say if I haven't even told them what to do? Metal footsteps remind me that we're running on burrowed time. I continue with Tosh's orders. "Once in reception" I move around the desk to get the needed equipment and then come back to her. "The panel, next to the desk, pull it out. Take curiet 357 from the main system and patch it to these. There should be enough power in there for what we need!"

All we need to do is power the invisible lift. That's how we're getting out of here. We'll get back in when the power comes back on and we'll have more weapons to work with. Weapons. Now I know what Owen and Gwen can do. I don't have time to pause and make sure that Tosh makes it out saftly. I just have to trust that she can. I've lost more breath in here talking than I did out there running. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

"You two, find anything that resembles a weapon!" I order.

I look at them, hoping they have some ideas as to where they will find something useful. My mind is getting scrambled again.

"Ah, autopsy room" Owen suggests. "There should be something lethal in there."

The last part is hard to hear because Gwen starts speaking over him.

"What are you gonna do?" She asks.

I doesn't matter what I'm going to do as long as she knows what she's doing. I hadn't come up with a plan for me yet but I cants stay in here.

"I'll buy you some more time. Go!" I tell them.

They leave. Gwen a little hesitantly. Sometimes even I think she has feelings for me. But no. She doesn't and I know it. Not strong feelings at least. She loves Rhys, she brings him up at every moment that presents itself, there is no denying where her heart is. And besides, me and Ianto...

Ianto, my heart whispers to me desperately.

No! My brain shouts back. The world. The universe. Cybermen!

I shake my head.

Clear mind, Harkness, clear mind. Okay, I can do this. Here she comes.

"Hey, Lisa" I sound like I'm begging for her attention. Well, I sort of am. I need her to focus on me so that everyone else gets away safely. I tease her a little because its the least I can do. Te least she deserves. Well, Lisa deserves better, it's this Cyberwoman, the machine that has replaced Lisa that deserves worse. She practically turned Ianto against me. And now, she might have taken him from me forever. We Circe the table. Her trying to catch me and attempt to kill me, me running away because -even though I'll only come back to life again- I want to avoid a painful death. "You've been hiding in my basement, that's okay" when I'm by the door I stop moving. "Draining my power, I can live with that. Now your starting to hurt my friends. This is gonna stop!"

I escape out of the door. My heart pounding in my chest again.

We can't afford any mistakes Harkness, so stay focused!

Most of what happens next is a blur. I remember seeing Tosh at the gates... I remember seeing Owen and Gwen on their way to the medical bay. I remember Lisa's voice saying something about the Hub and... I remember apologising. Ten it's all just pain and screams. I took a gasp of air as I was pulled back into the land of the living. I heard Owen voice although I can't remember what he said. I made some kind sarcastic, witty comment to the Cyberwoman. Then more pain. Oh, death. Sometimes I wish it would take me away for good. Very rarely do I err want to wake up. But it would be selfish to wish that I would stay dead now. If I can come back to life and save the world maybe it is worth it. At least a little. It would be nice to be able to hand over the job though. Sometimes death would be a gift not a punishment. It would mean peace, an end to a life that I was ready to give up on hundreds of years ago. But I have a team to save, a city to save, a country to save. A world to save. I can die for good another day. Not today. Another painful resurrection. You'd think they get easier to deal with every time. No. They don't get any worse. Getting worse isn't possible. But they don't get better either. Sure, it depends on the death to how painful the resurrection is. A gun shot to the head it nothing but a five minute headache. An electucution on the other hand is worse. A lot worse.

After dealth by electrocution I get left with a two day headache and a three hour muscle ache all over my body. I moan as I try to get up. I can't. I've been electucted twice in only a few minutes. It's left me a little damaged. Nothing that won't heal soon enough. My eyes snap open. I don't see anyone. I presume Tosh got out and the Cyberwoman left to get Gwen and Owen. I do spy Ianto though. Now I can check on him. See if he is at least a live. Check if he has a pulse, a heart beat. See if he's breathing. I can only hope. I don't want him to die, no matter what he has done. I need him. I don't have anything to come back to if I don't have him. There is nothing left in this god forsaken world to live for if I lose Ianto. Of he chooses to stop breathing, I'm done. After tonight. I'm done. I crawl over to wear he is. I do try and hurry but my movements are slowed. To selfish to let him be at peace. To selfish to let him die if that is his wish. I take him by the arms and pull him up. I support in my lap with my arms. My pain forgotten. When someone you care about is I'm worse shape than you, you forget about your own injuries. You can have a broke leg with the bone poking out but if someone you ... Care about if unresponsive you can pick them up and run the closet hospital. Meet under estimate the power if the heart.

I allow myself a few minutes to focus on him. Just him. I block out everything else. It's just me and Ianto. I look at his face. His eyes are closed. He looks almost like he's sleeping. The only difference is, when he sleeps he looks cute. He tosses and turns, mumbles and dribbles sometimes. Now, he's motionless and it scares me. Dead... No. He's not dead. He's so close I can feel his heart beating and he has a pulse. But his chest isn't moving and I press my ear to my face. His not breathing. But he is alive. I can hear Lisa's footsteps in the background. I look over my shoulder. I still can't see her, or anyone. I remind myself to block out everything for now. I focus on Ianto again. I slap is face lightly as it will encourage him to open his eyes or draw in a breath. It doesn't and I feel my heart breaking as it races inside my chest. My hole world is falling apart.

Oh, Ianto. What have you done?

I curse at myself. If only I payed more attention to him. Asked him about himself. About his life instead of his body. If I'd of just focused on him as a person and not what he could do with his hands and tongue things would be different. I should have done a bottom to top check of the Hub more often. Weekly? It's too late for that now. None of it will save him. Although, I do make a mental note to do those things more often. In only a few hours Ianto has broken me in every way possible. He has provoked every single emotion that it is possible to feel. How does he manage to do this to me? He can't die now. I won't let him.

Don't die on me Ianto! Please, don't.

In my panic an desperation I do the only thing I can think of to do. I gather all my energy and I seal my lips over his for a kiss.


	9. Chapter 9

**Cyberwoman:**

Chapter Nine-

If you'd have asked me at the time why I kissed him, my answer would be plain and simple: impulse. Fear. One last kiss goodbye. An attempt to bring him back to life.  
>I would have said it was the kiss of life. It was but it was also more than that.<br>Ask me now why I kissed him... I'm not prepared for that conversation.  
>I poured all my energy into that kiss. God knows he needed it. I hoped it would work. It had to work. <em>Come on, Ianto. Breath!<em> I wasn't going to pull away until he drew in a breath. I refused to let him die without a fight, or in such a way. Ianto was supposed to die peacefully. Although it was unlikey that old age would take him, I'm not ruling it out as a possibility. Die peacefully or die saving the world. I couldn't let him die trying to protect someone who was trying to bring the world to it's knees. If that kiss hadn't have worked... No! I don't want to think about it. I actually thought I'd lost him for a second there. I thought he wasn't going to come back.  
><em>This is it, say goodbye.<em>  
>Then I felt heat return to his skin, life was entering his body again. I pulled away and he drew in a breath.<br>**He was alive. **

I shushed him. He needs to keep quiet, if the Cyberwoman knows we're still alive, she'll come back and I won't risk losing Ianto again. Not today. Not like this. I lost him enough times today. Of course, I hoped that Gwen, Tosh and Owen were okay too, I was just so happy that I was able to look into Ianto's blue eyes again. Now that I had a plan figured out and I knew how horrible it was, I felt like there was a chance I would lose him. Not to death but him just walking away. Away from me. Away from torchwood, maybe Cardiff altogether. It was a horrible plan and I knew it was but it was the only way. Everything else so far had failed, it was the only I could think of that would work. As I press a finger to my lips as a 'shut up' gesture, I get a look at his eyes. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time in forever. Seeing past his faciad and seeing the real him. It felt good to finally get a look at the real Ianto. He was beautiful. Young, scared, tired both physically and emotionally, vulnerable and so lonely. But beautiful. Because it was him. The real him. Stripped of his mask and professionalism. We don't move, we just stare at each other. I could feel his heart beat. A feeling and sound that I will miss when he's gone. The sound of a heart beat is the sound of life.

I'm still shocked it worked and Ianto is just shocked. It wasn't our first kiss but it was the first that wasn't leading to sex. The first kiss that didn't have lust or need as a motive. It was a tender, desperate beseech to have someone I care about return to me. It scared me just as much as it scares him. It still scares me. Kissing Ianto an then not having sex with Ianto... It's over stepping our agreement. A step into a real relationship. Something neither of us have ever made an implication at wanting. It needed to be poundered some more. Talked about. Even though I won't talk about it, if he brings the conversation up, I'll change the subject. Like I always do when the past or love is brought up. Change the subject make a joke that will gross them out enough to stop them wanting to comment.

If it wasn't for the screams that pulled me and Ianto out of the trace we were in then I would have stayed there with him forever.


	10. Chapter 10

**Cyberwoman:**

Chapter 10 – 

The scream was a scream of pain, so I wasn't surprised when Ianto got up and ran towards the sinister sound. I knew the sound of every member of my teams screams. I knew them well enough to know that it wasn't any member of my team screaming. It was Lisa. The reason Ianto fled. Since Ianto was alive and well, the pain of my own body decided it was time to make an appearance and as he moved I collapsed back onto the floor, curled up in pain. I made a painful moaning sound and forced myself to work through it. I just kept telling myself that the pain will go away soon enough because my body will heal and it'll be like there was never any pain or injury to my body at all. At first I don't hear anything but then I hear Gwen shouting, presumably at Ianto:  
>"Get out! Get out I said. Move!"<br>If 'Lisa' has been hurt, Ianto wouldn't want to leave her. Dead or just badly injured. He's in love with her, right? Even if she was –at that point – evil and trying to kill us, if she's hurt, you'd want to stay. But it's not safe and Gwen knew it. Okay, they wouldn't be telling him to leave if she was dead because there would be no threat to escape. So, I presumed the Cyberwoman was still alive and well. Time to make sure I have everything ready for my plan. The worst part is that if Tosh doesn't have the electricity back on time, Ianto might have to watch more than I want him to see. More than he wants to see. More than I want to see. More than anyone would want to see. I guess, I just have to have faith in my team.

"You should be dead!" I hear Owens voice.  
>'Technically I shouldn't even be born yet' was what I wanted to say but I didn't have time to answer any questions that that reply would present. So, instead I say: "I'm the stubborn type."<br>I've gotten off the floor, picked up my gun and put it away, tucked into my belt. I have a blow torch and Myfanwy's BBQ sauce. I turn the blow torch on and order everyone else to get behind me. I don't want to do this.  
><em>It's the only way.<em>  
>That doesn't mean I want to do it, it just means I have too. The Cyberwoman is coming towards us and she doesn't seem to understand why I'm holding a blow torch and BBQ sauce. I wonder if Ianto saw the sauce. He feeds Myfanwy when time escapes me so he should know what it is, at least. Even if he did see it, he properly didn't know what I was going to do with it because he didn't say anything.<br>"That's right, stay back" I say, holding the blow torch at almost arms length. I want her to be at least a little afraid but I know Cybermen don't feel fear. They don't feel anything. "This will at least give you heart burn."  
>"The power will run out" she replied. "I can wait."<br>We don't have time to wait. I have to act now!  
>"Jack, help her. Give her a chance to surrender" I don't have to bother turning around to see who said it. I know it was Ianto.<br>I was starting to get a little annoyed at his refusal to see that it wasn't going to work. She has had since the day she arrived in this building to surrender. Since this morning when she was discovered and all she did was try to kill us and take over the world. We were way past giving her chances and I was way past letting Ianto try. There was no hope at all in that anymore. I was sorry for Ianto but there was no other way. She can't be saved. She never could have been saved. If Ianto had have realized that in the first place none of this would have happened. He was only postponing his pain. If he'd have let her go right away, sure it still would have hurt but –although the pain never goes away- it would have eased quicker and better. Now that he tried so hard to control something that was beyond his control, beyond anyone's control, he only made it worse for himself. Sometimes you just have to let people go and this was one of those times. You need to know when to fight for something and when you have to give in. Giving in isn't always a sign of weakness, it can be an act of strength and it's the first sign of letting go and moving on.

"Have you not seen what she's done?" Owen took the words right out of my mouth, again. I'm starting to think he has some kind of mind reading power or something.  
>"Let her stay in the cells, help reverse the process!"<br>"I told you, we're past that" was my reply.  
>I didn't look back at him. I went to but I had to stop myself. If I look back – I can't promise myself that I'll continue. Stay in the cells and reverse the process. Didn't we have this conversation already? There is no reversing the Cybermen conversion, once it has began there is no stopping it. Not really. It wasn't Lisa anymore. We can't put her in a cell. Odds are she'd find a way out...Or he'd let her out because she said she wanted to go for a walk or something and she'd disappear. There was no other option. I was going to have to do it.<br>"Hold him back!" I ordered.  
>Hoping no one was going to ask questions. Too much to ask for, I guess.<br>"What are you gonna do?" that's Gwen's voice. Of course, damn policing skills, she was trained to be nosy.  
>"Don't ask questions, just get him on there and hold him!" I look over my shoulder slightly to make sure she's moving Ianto away and then I turn back.<br>I grit my teeth and start squirting the BBQ sauce over the cyberwoman's metal clad body. Does Ianto get it now? The smells pretty strong but will he be paying attention to the smell above all the other things? Did he think it was just oil and I was setting her alight? I didn't care what he thought, I just hoped that the power was back soon so that we could get out of here before my plan went into too much detail.

"What is that stuff?" There she goes again.  
>"A kind of BBQ sauce, it helps her identify her food" I answer.<br>"Help what identify its food?"  
>I don't bother answering her because she'll find out soon enough. Once I'm sure the Cyberwoman is covered enough I put my things down and step back. Climbing onto the invisible lift and begging for Tosh to hurry up. Once on there, I turn to look at Ianto. Those eyes. Insane with fury and I was sure it was only going to get worse.<br>"I'm sorry" I said to him briefly before turning away.  
>I couldn't look at him and press the button on my wrist strap at the same time. I just couldn't. It didn't feel right. It felt wrong. But I knew it was right. My brain knew it but my heart didn't agree, I gave up getting those two to agree many, many years ago. I press the button and as soon as Myfanwy screeches, I'm sure everyone knows what I have been planning and I can bet that Ianto will have a few things to say as soon as we're above ground and all this is over.<br>"Come on Tosh, hurry up" I whisper as we all watch Myfanwy fly out of her nest.  
>"You'll kill her" Ianto tells me.<br>Owens got a pretty good grip on him now and Gwen's is sort of holding onto him with one hand pulled up into a fist, clinging to his jacket. Right now I don't need to worry about him trying to get off the lift and escape.

Tosh takes longer than I would have liked, I did give a tough job, I will admit that but I didn't want to watch this and I didn't want Ianto to see it either. Owen, Gwen and I have to stand on the small lift, cramped and pushing against each other and listen to Ianto scream and cry to be let go. He tries to struggle but Owen and Gwen are much stronger than him. I don't have anywhere to look; I don't want to look back because I'll see Ianto. If I look forward, I'm forced to watch my prehistoric pet try to eat around metal on a human body that has the mind of a computer and bodily functions of a robot. Finally the lift starts to move.  
>Thank god, is all I think as we start to ascend to the outside world. Ianto screams again, this scream drags out longer than the others. He's doing the whole "Noooooo!" Cliché that you see in films. When the hero's lover dies and its sad and they cry and scream. He's doing that. Only, watching happen in a film is different to hearing it in real life. Watching a film, you know it's all faked, you know the person is really fine. In real life, you know it's the opposite. You know that person isn't coming back. You know that they're not okay. The fact that it wasn't Lisa anymore but a Cybermanwoman didn't make it any easier. It should and I thought that it would but it didn't. I look up most of the time the lift is moving. I glance back and down a few times. I regret those looks straight away. I block out the screams and the cries. So, although I know Ianto is talking, I refuse to hear what he's saying. I'm better off not knowing.

"Have some fucking mercy"  
>Apparently my selective hearing isn't nearly selective enough because I hear that line clear as day. I refrain from saying anything. She was lucky to get away once, after trying to kill Gwen. <em>She was then lucky one more time when she got away again and she was lucky that I was willing to give you chance. I have tried to do things your way and it's not working. I'm done trying to fix her; it's time to take her down. Sorry Ianto, there's no other choice here.<em> We have showed so much, too much mercy already and we have been given none in return or has Ianto forgotten that she tried to kill him? We hear the screams coming from the Hub bellow. Those screams sound almost human. Almost. I just stare up at the lift. It's taking too long. It doesn't always take this long. Although, the Hub isn't running on full power.

Finally, we're on the ground above the Hub. Ianto wonders a little way away from us. He doesn't want us to see him cry and I don't want to see him cry either. I feel bad enough already. Tosh comes running over to us, happy that it worked. She asks what happened but I wave my hand in her direction dismissively and mutter: "Don't" to imply that she doesn't want to know. It's going to take a long time to get the image, those screams, both from below and behind, out of my head. This is one of those events that I will never be able to forget. It's not until Ianto turns back to me that I actually start to fear for my life, for the first time in decades. He looks even angrier than he was down in the Hub. I don't notice it at first. When he first turns around I'm afraid to look at him but eventually I think, I'm going to have to face him at some point, might as well me now. So, I turned. I turned and I wanted to runaway. He looked so... wrathful. Like he was ready to maim anyone who came near him (and me even I didn't take a step closer). I wanted to back away but I thought I properly deserve whatever it is he is going to say, so I face him and I wait for his harsh words.

Words, I was expecting. A punch in the face, I was not. It was so out of character for Ianto although I suppose that watching his girlfriend get devoured by a creature that was extinct over five thousand years ago had driven to lose his mind a little bit. I don't blame him; I would have lost my mind a little bit too. I did the first few times I lost a lover. He has got a good punch him though. Knocked me to the floor. Pure hatred and rage behind that hit. Gwen pushes Ianto back and Owen helps me put makes sure that I don't get any closer to Ianto. Right now, the day had been too much for me and I was ready to start throwing punches back. I was going to reframe myself from doing so, no one was willing to let me get that close to him anyway, so hitting him was out of the question. The words followed right after the punch did and I'm not sure what hurt more, the hit or the words that seemed to be spoken with such truth, such... verity that I believe he meant them. Like he had meant to say them for a long time and just wasn't sure how.  
>"You could have saved her!" That is not the bad part, that's only the beginning. "You're worse than anything locked up down there. One day, I'll have the chance to save you and I'll watch you suffer and die" that fact that he never will see me suffer and die does not make the words hurt any less.<p>

That was it. I went towards him a storm brewing behind my eyes. If that was what he really thought, I could show him a real monster. Show him how bad I really can be.  
>"It was the only thing that would stop her!" My voice isn't half as violent or hostile or scary as I want it to seem. I just have to hope that it at least provokes fear in him somewhere. If it does, he doesnt show it. His face only shows anger and pain. Tears appearing in the corner of his eyes. Not falling yet but soon to be. He had a couple scratch marks on his head, not bleeding but glistening in the faint moonlight. If he knew the true nature of my past, he would see that the person I've been today, is nothing compared to the person I used to be. Owen pushes me back and Gwen guards Ianto like he's a baby and I'm an abuser. Is he turning my team against me too?<br>_Of course not. You're being paranoid. Today has put a lot of stress on everyone but you have to remember you are a leader, you have an image to maintain, you are not allowed to show your emotions and this day has properly been a lot harder for Ianto than you._  
>Then, a different part of my mind gives it a counter argument: <em>Or, is that what they want you to think?<br>To hell with keeping up appearances, to hell with the rules and to hell with emotions. _


	11. Chapter 11

**Cyberwoman:**

Chapter 11 –

"Listen, while I was in reception I managed to trick the lock down timer. The power should be coming on any minute. We could get back in" Tosh said.  
>Good old Tosh. Always professional, didn't ask why Ianto wanted to hit me in the face she just delivered her news without any need for payment.<br>"Ianto!" I shout as I catch a glimpse of him running of towards the tourist office.  
>At first Toshiko's quick ability to think on the spot sounded great now I'm starting to think it's not so good. It's great we can back in. Al our stuff is down there but we don't need Ianto running off like that. Sure, odds are the Cyberwoman is dead but the last thing we need is for Ianto to go down there, see her body and then do something irrational. I think I might let Ianto sleep in tomorrow. We all run after him. How Gwen managed to be fast than me is a mystery although I did lag behind a little bit to talk to Tosh about her improvising skills.<p>

"Ianto, stop!" I call his name as if he'll actually answer me. I kinda knew that he wouldn't. I was most likely the last person that he wanted to speak to right now. The last person he was going to listen to, obey. I understood why. I just wanted him to stop and until I caught up to him, shouting was the only thing I could think of to do. I could have shot him but that would not have improved the situation at all.  
>"She couldn't have survived that attack" called Gwen.<br>She was in front of me now. Although she was a police woman, I'm not surprised she was faster than me but Owen was in front of me too. I was behind with Tosh. I've lived for so many years but I am in no way fitter or healthier. Odds are they all got a decent night sleep last night. I didn't sleep at all, last night. I rarely ever do. Ianto is a head of us all but he had a head start.  
>"I used my initiative I'm sorry" she said.<br>"When I want you to think for yourself I'll tell you!" I argued back.  
>I understand that I was being a little irrational and slightly out of order. She was, like every member of my team, allowed to think for herself. As long as she did what I told her to do, and she did. I didn't really have a right to be angry at her. My mind wasn't totally with me anymore. At the time I was only thinking about getting Ianto back and stopping him from going in, although I knew that he would eventually go in anyway. I was never planning on having Ianto clear up the body of his dead girlfriend. I know that I can be a bit of a monster but I'm not that bad. At the end of the day I saw a part of myself in Ianto that I have never seen in anyone else. The part of me that is willing to be a monster to save the people I care about. Be the monster so no one else has to be. I've seen pain and loss in many people but never have I been able to look into their eyes and see myself. It scares the crap out of me. No one has ever reminded me of myself. They've reminded me of others sure; sometimes I can see Rose Tyler in Gwen. Not in looks but attitude and how she handles things but I've never seen myself before.<p>

We were there, the tourist office.  
>"Maybe if you told me you're plan, I wouldn't have done it!" Tosh replies.<br>She has a point I should have told her, although the less she knew the better and she didn't exactly know what happened down there and she was better of that way although, I'm sure that she will either figure it out or Gwen, Owen maybe even Ianto, when (and if) he finally gets over it, will tell her. When we got in there, Ianto had taken the gun from behind the desk and he was aiming it at us. He was leaning against the door way of the secret entrance. It was open but he hadn't gone through it yet. Why? Maybe he was afraid of what he would see on the other side.  
>"Ianto, don't be stupid!" Gwen tells him, holding her arms out straight in front of her, as if it will protect her when he pulls the trigger.<br>I go to get my gun and then change my mind. I've had enough of guns, of death. Especially today. I should see how this plays out first.  
>"I have nothing left to lose" Ianto says.<br>"There's always something left to lose" I add in. Like his life, for example. I had a feeling that he didn't really want to lose that. Even if he thought he did. It's normal to feel a little lonely and like life isn't worth it when you lose someone you cared about but I could tell he didn't really want to die. I don't think you normal humans understand how lucky you are to have the privilege of death. Any moment you like you can put a gun to your head, pull the trigger and that's it. You're dead, you're pain is over. I don't have that privilege. You can put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but in a few minutes I'll get up and I'll carry on living. I would change places with you but at the same time, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want anyone to have the curse I have. I know nothing lasts forever, love, pain, happiness. It all ends. Whether the emotions fade of death ends them before you can move on, they never stay forever. Not really. Life is beautiful. There is more good than there is bad. There is always something left to lose.

_Come on Ianto, put the gun down we can talk about this.  
><em>Of course I knew we were past that. I just wanted him to calm down. I wanted him to stop being so irrational. I want him to see that there is still something worth living for. I want him to stop. I want the pain in his eyes to go away. I want to hold him.  
><em>Stay strong. You're the leader. They can't see you break down! Hold it all in. Like you always do. Ignore the emotions, they'll pass.<em>  
>"I'm going back in to save her" he continues.<br>Odds were that there was nothing left of her to save. Myfanwy had never been a light eater. Once food was presented to her, she ate it all. He knew that but he was blinded by love. All rational thought was gone. I had to do something. _Think, Harkness think. What can you do? _  
>"Anyone tries to stop me, I'll shoot them!"<br>"Ianto, put the gun down!" Gwen orders.  
>It's not her order to give but I'm not exactly in a fit state to bark out orders anyway. I'll let this one slide. My next act was an impulse. Rewinding time, I'd do it again. I won't change the way I acted that day. I'd go back to other days and make sure that he was appreciated. I'd get Owen to stop calling him Tea-boy when he was angry. Because Ianto wasn't a tea-boy. In fact, making the whole team coffee wasn't in his job description. He was an archivist. Not a butler. He doesn't need to make coffee or clean up after us. I'd make sure that he knew that what we had between us was more than a late night shag or stress relief. I'd make sure he knew someone cared and I'd make sure that he knew he could talk to me about anything. Even his cyber-converted girlfriend. Although, I might bring it up a little more subtly than that.<p>

I advance forward and manage to shove his hand, with the gun in it, down and push his front against the secret-door frame. I take out my gun, click off the safety and aim –once again- at his face. Again, I wouldn't have shot him. We've been through this; I don't have it in me. I just wanted to scare him. I wanted to scare him into thinking I would so that he would change his mind. Again, I knew he wouldn't but when you're desperate, you'll do anything. My breathing is heavy. I can hear it and I'm sure everyone else can too.  
>"You make a threat like that you better be ready to follow it through" I'm not out of breath although it sounds that way. My heart is pounding in my chest and blood rushing behind my ears. To think, this day began so normal, so good. How did I not see the sings? <em>Duh, because you're blind. Because you never paid attention. Because you never asked him about himself. The entire basis of your 'relationship' with Ianto -if it even counts- has been based on you! I want, I need, and Ianto do this for me. It's always been about you! You never once made it clear that you cared! I'm not even convinced you do. <em>"You see, you disobey me now and I really will shoot you!"  
>"Get off me" he almost growls the words.<br>So think, so helpless, so... heart breaking. He struggles briefly but he doesn't get very far. I'm stronger than he is.  
>"You wanna go back in there?" I ask. "You go in there to finish the job. If she's still alive, you execute her!" I know it was an unfair order but that was the point. I was trying to get him to refuse. I didn't actually him to go in. I wanted him to stay out here. I wanted to be the first one in. I wanted to make sure it was safe before anyone else went in. I was hoping that if I told him he could only go in if he killed her; he would give up and stay in the office. I didn't want him to go in there and see what was most likely waiting on the other side. He didn't need to see anymore of that tonight. He deserved to go home. We all did but it wasn't over yet and out job comes first. When your job is being an accountant or something insignificant like that, then your well being and personal life is more than welcome to get in the way of your job but when you protect the world for a living those things aren't allowed to get in the way. We all know it. I make sure everyone knows it before they join. They join knowing that they can never put their personal life before work. They can book days off, sure they can but if I call them in on their day off, they can't refuse because the consequences can be deadly.<p>

I was hoping Ianto would turn around and tell me that I was being mean, I wanted him to refuse my order and I wanted him to tell me he wasn't going to do it. I let him go and he turns to face me. I can see the tears in his eyes, his facade slipping. All professionalism gone. He's not crying anymore, he is however, close to crying again. _Come on, Ianto, please don't cry._ I don't care how childish that sounds. I don't want him to cry. I can't handle anymore crying.  
>"No way" he starts.<br>It's a good start but it's not good enough. I need him to refuse. I need him to push me away and stand with the others. I need him to put me in my place. I need him to tell me to do it myself. The reason I haven't gone in there to do it myself yet is because I'm waiting for him to give me the permission. Or sort of permission. If he wants to do it himself, I can't say no. It is his girlfriend; I just don't want him to have to be the one who pulls the trigger. If she's still alive, that is. I doubted she was. I needed to say something more.  
>"You brought this down on us, you hid her. You hid yourself from us and now it's time to stand as part of a team!" I continue, hoping that blaming him will push him over the edge.<br>"Jack" I hear a voice in the back ground, I know it's Gwen's and I fell her hand creeping up on me. Touching my shoulder, trying to convince me to lower the gun. No. I can't not until Ianto makes a sign that says he won't go back in. I ignore her and I carry on talking to Ianto and only Ianto. I can't see how my face looks but I can guess. Sadistic? Angry? Hurt? I was feeling a little of all of those things. I was happy that only Ianto could see my face, once again. He's seen me look worse. I can't imagine what my sex face looks like.  
>"The girl you loved has gone; your loyalty is to us now!" Loyalty, once again making an appearance. <em>Come one, Ianto. See through me. See through me like you always do and step aside. Stand down! I need you to tell me that I can do it. I need you to tell me that you won't. Please, what is taking so long?<em>  
>"You can't order me to do that!" His voice is stern.<p>

It's not even angry or sad. It's emotionless again. No Ianto, you're right. I can't order you to do that. Tell me. Get angry. Ger sad. Get something and put me in my place. Turn this around. Order me to do it. I can feel myself getting madder. Mad because he isn't getting it, mad because it isn't working and mad because there is a dead Cyberwoman in my home. Mad because Ianto had implied earlier that this whole thing could have been avoided if I only asked about his personal life once in a while.  
>"You execute her or I'll execute you both!"<br>"I won't do it, you can't make me!" I need more than that, Ianto come on. Give me something to work with. "You like to think you're a hero but you're the biggest monster of all!"  
>That's not what I meant. His words hit me like a bucket of ice. Does he mean them? Are they only a heat of the moment thing? Are they, perhaps, no more than a meaningless shout in a time of anger? I'm out of things to say. I could make it look like I'm done reasoning with him. Done using words and show him I'm not backing down. I don't think he's catching on. Of course he'd want to do it himself. He knows he's the only one that will show her mercy. He knows that if I do it, or Owen or Gwen or even Tosh, he won't get a goodbye. He knows what has to be done. I can see it in his eyes. He knows. Even now, his job is still the most important thing. Well, odds are 'Lisa' is dead, so his job is the only thing he has left and although I hope it's enough to keep him here, I'm sure it will be. I'm going need to keep a close eye on him. A very close eye. Why isn't he seeing it? Why doesn't he understand that I don't want him to go in there without me? I can't go in with him. He deserves a goodbye and what goodbye does he get is people are listening in? The goodbye to a loved one is a privet thing. He deserves that.<p>

I let out a very shaking breath. I wanted it seem more like a bitter, angry laugh but it doesn't work out that way. It's more like the breath you let out when you have no breath left in you and you're really worn out. I am worn out. In every sense of the word. Physically, mentally, emotionally. No matter how tired I am right now, I know that I still won't sleep tonight. I'm struggling to keep the gun straight and aimed at his face. He's just staring back at me. As if he's begging me to do it. Begging me to kill him and give him a release. Make things easier for him. It's what he wants but I can't do it. I just can't. Maybe it would be better if he kills Lisa himself. It's his girlfriend, hell maybe if things had worked out, she'd be his wife – let's not talk about that. I'm getting off topic.  
>He deserves to do it. It'll be better. I'm sure she would have wanted him to do it too. Although she properly wanted him to do it a long time ago. When she still have control of her mind – if she ever had control over her mind after the conversation started. It was properly what he wanted too. Okay, I gave up. I was in defeat. He wanted to do it; she would have wanted him to do it. I can't stand the way he's looking at me. I still don't want him to go in alone but what can I do. If he really wants to be the one to do it, he deserves to do it alone.<br>"I'm giving you ten minutes. Then we're coming in!" I step back, giving him some space although I don't really want him to have any space to escape at all. I'm spitting my words out again. Like they were itching at the back of my throat, stuck in my mouth and only spitting would get rid of them. "Pick. It. Up!"

He looks at the gun that he dropped not long after I pushed him against the wall. Then he bends down and picks it up. I keep my gun aimed at him. He looks at me before he goes in, then at the other members of the team, then back at me. Then he goes in and I lower my gun.  
>"How can you ask him to-" Toshiko begins but I interrupt her.<br>"I don't need your opinion!" I don't even turn around to face her. I just say it as I look at the empty space Ianto occupied a few seconds ago. I stare at it as if I haven't yet registered that he's gone. Did I really give him ten minutes? No. Of course not. Just because I said I would, doesn't mean I did. Unlike Ianto, I'm not always a man of my word.


	12. Chapter 12

**Cyberwoman:**

Chapter 12 –

When we got down there and noticed the pizza boxes. A sign I over looked and didn't think about until after. I thought it was just rubbish that had been knocked over during the night. I should have noticed it, I should have thought... I remember hearing voices. I didn't hear the voices until I'd past the cells and was making my way to the store room. It wasn't Lisa's voice and since we hadn't seen her body lying around the Hub anywhere, I was very confused. It was Ianto's voice and then the voice of another woman. It was les robotic, less simulated. It was human. I threw a few looks at my team members, trying to figure out if they knew who he was talking to. All I got was shrugs and looks more questioning than my own. I couldn't quite hear what they were saying but as I drew closer, I heard a little of the conversation.  
>"Hold me Ianto. I need you to hold me; I need you to tell me it's alright."<br>I signal for the others to keep quiet as we step closer. We keep our guns raised; no one knew who that voice belonged too. Then we heard Ianto crying. It was such a horrible sound. Hearing Ianto cry. Heart breaking, actually. Here's a man that has always been calm, professional and strong and someone or something has managed to reduce him to crying, sniffing mess. It really is hard to hear. It makes you wish you had a mute button on real life but you don't. I grit my teeth and go through with it. Getting closer and closer.  
>"What you doing?" asks that female voice, no one recognised. "Ianto it's me. You wouldn't shot me. I did this for you."<br>Did what for him? Who is this woman?  
>"I'm sorry" that's Ianto's voice.<br>Is he going to shoot her? Really? I didn't think she'd still be alive, let alone need shooting. Another plan I had today gone wrong. Everything seemed to be against me today. Me, Gwen, Owen and Tosh stopped at the store doorway. I gestured for them to keep quiet. No one was to shot until I gave the order. I wanted to see how this scene payed out. This other woman must be the pizza girl. Now all the pizza boxes made sense. I was stupid to think that they were pieces of rubbish that had been knocked over in the commotion. Ianto never left rubbish around for more than an hour. The Cyberwoman was laying on the floor in a pool of blood. I presumed she was dead. Did the pizza girl kill her? Ianto has his back to us and the pizza girl is paying more attention him and doesn't seem to have noticed us yet.

He lowered the gun. I knew he couldn't do it. I proved my point but at what cost? I know how hard it is to get over losing a loved one, having to choose between duty and emotions. It always comes at price. It's a double ended sword. Choose one, loose the other. If you choose duty –job, protecting the world- over love then you lose them. Chose the one you love and the world is in danger. Sometimes both your choices are bad one but you still have to choose. It's hard to understand what he's saying when he speaks because he's accent thickens when he's sad and he's crying so hard that you just can't make out the words.  
>"We can be upgraded, together" the woman begins as Ianto turns away.<br>I shot first. Then everyone else shoots. It was an over kill, I know. He looks at her as soon as the shot sounds. As she falls backwards, we lower our guns. I don't want to imagine how Ianto felt at that moment, I can and I know how he felt. I've watched many loved ones die, I wish I didn't know the feeling and I wish even more that no one else has to feel it.

Ianto falls to his knees between the two bodies and he cries. So much despair for one day, too much despair for a lifetime. I give him a little time to grieve as I tell Gwen, Toshiko and Owen to go back up to the main area and wait for me. They do and I hover in the doorway, waiting for Ianto to compose himself. At least a little. He eventually stopped making noise. I looked at him, he was still knelling between the bodies but he was silent. I walked over to him and touched his shoulder lightly; he jumps and gets up, backing away a little and glaring at me. Silent tears falling from his eyes. I feel like I should say something but I don't know what to say.  
>"Ianto, I'm so sorry" sorry doesn't even begin to cover what I want to say. There's no way to describe what I want to say. The things I felt then, I still can't summarize them. "Let me take you home... Please" I don't trust him to drive himself, or walk. I'm afraid he might do something stupid and I don't trust the others are ready to face him again. He stands silent for a few minutes. As if thinking about whether or not he should accept my invitation. He nods in the end and I walk up towards the Hub with him following a few steps behind me. In the main area, I have a conversation with Owen, Tosh and Gwen. I tell them to dispose of the bodies and then they can go. I carry on walking until we reach Ianto's car, I hold my hand out towards him, waiting for him to hand over the keys.<p>

He looks distant. Distracted. Like he's in a trance but he does manage to pull his keys from his pocket and place them in my out stretched hand. He climbs into the passenger seat and I get into the driver's seat. I consider turning on the radio but I figured that it can't do much good. The song will either be positive and inapporatie for such times or it will be really depressing and only make us both feel worse. When we pull up outside the block of flats he lives in, it's obvious that wasn't expecting me to go up with him but he says nothing as I lock the car and follow him up to his flat.


	13. Chapter 13

**Cyberwoman:**

Chapter 13 -

I gave him back the keys as we got closer to his flat. He tried to open the door but all his hands did was shake. Eventually i was tired of all the under his breath curing and waiting that I took the keys from him again and opened the door. I stepped a side to let him in first and then I followed him in closing the door behind. As I turned to take a step into the flat I almost walked into him. He was standing almost perfectly still, he was swaying slightly. I turned to him, his face was blank as if he was somewhere else. Thinking of something that was far away.

"Ianto" he didn't look up but he just broke down.

He sank to the floor and cried. He brought his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and buried his face in them too but it did nothing to muffle the cries he was making. He's suffered enough, I couldn't fire him, I couldn't kill him. Losing the woman he loves, is punishment enough. I watched him for awhile but I ended up sitting next to him. I lean back against the door, lay my legs out straight and sit with him quietly. He's so covered in blood. His hands, his suit. His face a little cut, he's still sweating and parts of his suit are ripped too. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him that I was sorry. Tell him it would get better and that he wouldn't feel llike this for much longer but all of that would be a lie.

I was surprised that Ianto allowed me to drive him home, let alone go inside his flat. Obviously, I'd been in his flat before then but I'd never taken the time too look around I was always occupied. It was a nice little place. Organised, tidy, clean. Small but since it was only Ianto living there, a lot of space wasn't needed. _Oh Ianto, how did we let it get this far. How did I not see. Why did you let us treat you that way?_ Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by guilt but I was determined not to cry. I wasn't going to cry. Not now, not here, not in front of Ianto. Looking back at him, so small, so vulnerable, I lifted up my left arm in the attemp to place it around his shoulder. Offering what comfort I could. When I raised it, he backed away. I placed my arm around his shoulders anyway and he tensed up for a few minutes. He did relax into my touch soon enough. As soon as I felt him relax he spoke, it was so quiet that I almost missed it.

"I loved her"

"I know you did and I'm sorry" I told him. "You should have spoken to me."

"And what would you have done? You still would have killed her. It wouldn't have made a difference. You wouldn't have even tried to save her" Ianto was right.

I wouldn't change anything I did that night. Anything. I didn't know what to say to him. There was nothing I could say. He still sounded so angry. So, mad and it tore me apart to know that he was angry at me. I was the reason for his pain. I was the reason for his anger. His hurt. Everything. The bloodshed that night was on me. My fault.

"Ianto, I said I'm sorry" I feel like and idiot now because a 'sorry' was all I could think of to say. I should have said something more. I should have helped him. Should have listened to his grief triggered rambling but all I did was say "sorry" again and again.

"I know what you said" he replied. "Your sorry's don't mean anything to me. You killed her!"

"I did. Trust me Ianto, I know how it feel to love and loss someone. I have loved people. A lot of people. And I have lost every one of them. I'm properly the only person who truly knows how you feel right now and I am so sorry." I blinked away the tears that were filling my eyes. I couldn't let him see me cry. He didn't need that right now. I sniffed and got my profession facade back in place. "You should go clean up. Have a shower. Go to bed."

He nodded and I followed him into the bedroom. He went into his ensuite bathroom and I started digging through the drawers to find something more comfortable than a suit. I wasn't going to stay and I wasn't going to have sex with him. He was so vulnerable right now that trying something would be taking advantage. Even I have some limitations. I'll just put him to bed. That's all. Make sure he's not going to do anything irrational. I find a pair of track suit bottoms and a grey t-shirt. I put those on the bed and wait. I can hear the water that flows from the shower hitting the floor. It sounds like rain only inside. I've never really taken time to listen to a shower. I realise that no matter how many showers Ianto has, no matter how long he spends in there, scrubbing himself clean, he will never wash away those memories. They'll be there forever.

When Ianto comes out of the shower he has a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair is damp but it's not dripping. He properly rubbed it with a towel to dry it a bit. He looks at me with his eye still filled with fear, anger, confusion. His face is clean but I can still see stains of blood. Stains that I'll see every time I look into his eyes now. Will I ever be able to look at him again with out guilt shooting through me? I hope so because I can't stand the intensity of it. He deserves so much better than Torchwood but once you're in, you can't get out. This job can take away everything you have. Friends, family and it can come close to killing a hundred times and you'll keep coming back. Because you can't live knowing the truth and doing nothing about it. This job is an addiction. An addiction that doesn't come with a self help group. It's our job as a team to look after each other and we failed at that. We failed because we didn't look after Ianto.

We over looked him. I overlooked him. And that's not fair, I know. Ianto is just as important as everyone else. He matters. He deserves to know he matters. We didn't make him feel like part of the team. We made him feel like he had to isolate himself, hold in all his pain but he didn't and he still doesn't. What happened tonight is just as much our fault as it was his. I watch him dress. He's still shaking. Not as violently as before but still. I don't know if the others will ever forgive him. I myself still haven't fully forgiven him. I may empathise, I may understand but that doesn't mean I wasn't betrayed, doesn't mean that his words didn't hurt. I know I'll never forget what he did but I do hope that one day, soon, I'll be able to forgive him. I also know that he hasn't forgiven himself and no one else can accept his apology until he does. In his head he blames himself, everyone else blames him, he caused Lisa more pain than he knew and he has no one now. He took away the last thing he really had.

I've read his file, I know he has family but he doesn't talk about them, he doesn't really see them so I know they aren't close. After he's dressed he turns and looks at me. I_anto, you didn't deserve this._ I get the feeling that he's waiting for something. Like he's waiting for me to shout at him or hit him. I won't. It doesn't feel right. I have to go. I have to type some reports and I didn't really finish the paper work for flat holm that I was doing earlier. And I have a lot of thinking to do. I nod my head in the direction of the bed and Ianto settles himself in, again he looks at me. I feel like he expects me to be violent or make a move. I do neither. I walked over to the side he's laying in and I turn off his alarm clock. He needs all the sleep he can get and he doesn't need to be in on time tomorrow... That's when I decided to give te others the day off. They deserved that. After tonight, everyone needs a day off. That's the worst part about living where you work. Even when you have a day off you're at work. After I turn the alarm clock off I bend down and I kiss Ianto on the top of the head.

"Get some sleep" it wasn't an order but it wasn't a request either.

He nodded and closed his eyes. He wasn't shaking anymore but he still looked like he could cry for hours. I left before that happened. I couldn't deal with anymore tears. He'd be alright. He had to be. I needed him to be. Selfish? Maybe. I went straight to my favourite roof top and looked out over the city. All these people just living their lives without even knowing how much we risk to keep them alive. They don't know what really lives beneath their feet, what lurks in te shadows, what looks down at them from above. It's better that they don't know because otherwise they'd live everyday in fear of whether or not they'd live to see tomorrow. Although maybe if they knew they'd appreciate life a little more. Being on roofs helps me put everything in perceptive. It makes the pain of working for Torchwood seem worth it. You get to see all the good you do on a day to day basis. You realise that you help to keep the world safe and alive.

I head back to the Hub a few hours later. I know it's late but I send the others a message anyway, telling them that they can have tomorrow off. When I get back I don't go into my bunker, I don't even go into my office. I go and sit in the conference room. I don't do anything. I just sit there. Staring at the table. Then the clock. Then my hands. I don't get up and wander around. I just sit there. Then at around 10:00am, the cog door rolls open.


End file.
